Brother Duck's Nasterine Nursery Rhymes

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

I'm back from my extended vacation, which you folks on the District were so generous to fund without your knowledge! I’ve told you before, boys and girls, that we have talent in spades here on the Far Right Oklahoma District, and I’ve proven it with the musical stylings of Peter “Peculiar Pete” Wallinkowskowitz. I suppose you’ll have to take my word on it, but I also proved I have quite the editorial talent by not subjecting you Sister Deathrage’s “poetry” (I showed it to my cousin Bowie once, and he described it as “almost as terrible as Vogon poetry,” whatever that means). But, we do have a poet on the district doing incredible work: Harold Quincy Duck. In fact, our district is proud to be financing (in partnership with The Nasty Pub and NSN [The Nasterine Shopping Network]) a collection of Harold’s poems: Brother Duck’s Nasterine Nursery Rhymes!

Here’s a little sample of the fine quality work he’s producing to the delight of little Nasterine boys and girls everywhere:

S-H-A-M-E (To the tune of “B-I-N-G-O”)

There is a thing good kids should feel

When they are being sinful

S-H-A-M-E!

S-H-A-M-E!

S-H-A-M-E!

We say shame on the sinful!

There is a thing good kids should feel

When they are being sinful

*Finger wag*-H-A-M-E!

*Finger wag*-H-A-M-E!

*Finger wag*-H-A-M-E!

We say shame on the sinful!

And so on…

Little Nasterine (To The Tune of “Hush, Little Baby)

Little Nasterine, now don’t you fret,

Mama’s gonna get you a Prosperity Jet.

And if that jet suddenly goes bust, 

Mama’s gonna buy you a big tour bus.

And if those tour dates don’t sell out,

Mama’ll buy a megachurch where you can shout.

And if that Megachurch don’t grow,

Mama’ll find chumps to give you dough.

And if the people don’t donate,

Mama’s gonna get you a monogrammed gate.

And if that gate gets repossessed,

Mama’s gonna make sure that you’re well dressed.

And if they don’t respond to your look,

Mama’s gonna write a motivational book.

And if that book just doesn’t sell,

Mama’ll be convinced the world’s gone to Hell. 

Little Nasterine, now don’t you cry,

Name and claim your blessings and so will I.

I’m a Fundamentalist (To the Tune of “I’m a Little Teapot”)

I’m a Fundamentalist, 

Yes I know,

The Bible is true 

‘Cause it tells me so. 

When I talk theology 

Hear me shout:

“SCRIPTURE’S ALL LITERAL;

THERE’S NO DOUBT!”

Brother Duck is really doing something special for our children, and I am so proud of this book! Order now while supplies last. I’ve order ten copies: one for each of my children and two for every sinner I know.



Wishing upon a star,


Rock Doc T

Nascassocks, Chastubillboards, and Paramentos

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Greeting, Boys and Girls! We in the Church of the Nasterine pride ourselves on being on the cutting edge of religion (particularly if that edge was cut sometime around 1953), which is why I’m so thrilled to introduce this exciting development from that special cross-section of Nasterines who are liturgical and rabid fans of Nascar: Sponsored Liturgical Garments and Paraments!

For the everyday liturgical Nasterine on the go, these cassocks provide an excellent way to remain stylishly devoted to the Lord while making sure that meeting District giving expectations will never be a problem again. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: doesn’t advertising run the risk of endangering our tax-exempt status? Not to worry, faithful reader. Once our current administration feasts their eyes on these Chasubles, I don’t think that will be a problem:

These thrifty sacramentalists are offering a wide variety of styles to choose from, including the heavy mixture of logos for lower giving levels:

Or, for those more serious donors, larger, centralized logos are an option:

Complete with the revolutionary idea, these churches also recommend the following giving levels, complete with labels and advertising options:

• Local Yokels: Give $100 and receive prominent advertising space on your local Nasterine pastor’s liturgicals. Perfect for local businesses wanting to promote awareness or those who want to force their pastor to support a sports team he hates!

• Saints: Give $500 and be given several prominent advertising spaces, as well as a sponsored parking spot sort of close to the front entrance of your local parish!

• Apostles: Give $1,000 and choose between prominent singular advertising space, sponsorship of the church van, or a guaranteed spot on the church board with voting privileges!

• Jesus’ Inner Circle: Give $100,000 and gain independent sponsorship of at least one service! Comes with a tote bag, parking space, and the ability to choose the pastor’s haircut!

• Rich Young Rulers: Give $250,000 and you gain the right to rename a Nasterine church in perpetuity!

• King Solomon Platinum Club Members: Give $1,000,000 or more and you gain all the rewards of our Platinum Club©—Privileges include (but are not limited to) Private church bathroom with monogramed towels, memory foam heated seat cushion in your reserved pew, the renaming of your church, and the personal cell phone numbers of your local DS and at least two GS’s!

I now have a new life’s ambition: after I retire as a GS, I plan to donate enough money for Ness City First Church of the Nasterine to be renamed John F. Tuttle Jr. Church of the Nasterine. Remember, Tuttligans: it’s easier for a camel to fit through the eye of the needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, but even narrow roads still have room for Harleys to ride on.

Always re-Adventing myself,

Rock Doc T

Maundy Thursday and Ash Wednesday Ain't Got Nothing on Black Friday

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

As I’ve finished devouring turkey and ham and prepare to wade into the sea of the unwashed masses to knock my fellow man’s teeth out for cheap electronics, I wanted to share with you all the things I’m thankful for this year:

1. The GOP
2. My wonderful wife Truella
3. 6 of my 8 lovely children
4. 27 of our 39 churches on the Far Right Oklahoma District
5. 4 of the 22 churches I’ve pastored
6. Our glorious denomination and all of its wonderful traditions
7. Sinners to look down upon
8. Other “Christian” traditions to look down upon
9. Our wonderful Republican leadership, both here in Oklahoma and in Washington
10. The United States of ‘Merca
11. That Christmas continues its inexorable march towards devouring pagan holidays like Halloween
12. Financial Prosperity
13. Rigid Moralism
14. Heroes of our Nasterine heritage, such as Philemon F. Brassiere, P.B.J. Chapstick, Chuckie P. Journeyman, and Cousin Buck Robertlewisstevenson
15. The Prayer of Jabez
16. The Lawrence Welk Show
17. The Gaither Family
18. The Speers Family
19. Fox News
20. President Trump
21. Ronald Reagan
22. “Trickle Down” economics
23. Bureaucracy
24. Those in the world still unafraid to speak the truth over and against the Liberal Agenda
25. Jesus

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving and a bruised and bloodied Black Friday,

Rock Doc T

Democrats to the Left of Me, Demagogues to the Right

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Friends, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m loathe to talk about politics, especially since some of you can’t accept the fact that I’m always right. But, we’ve got an important election coming up next year, and I feel like that, as your spiritual leader and advisor, I would be shirking my duties if I didn’t do everything in my power to make sure you vote the right way (*wink,wink*). Unfortunately, the wonderful and lovely Mary Fallin can’t be our governor anymore, which is a shame because she is just a treasure.  Sure, the state is facing a massive budget shortfall. And education continues to decline. And our infrastructure is falling apart. And we have earthquakes. And drought. And rising unemployment. And constant cuts to public services. And addiction issues. And rising teen pregnancy rates. But, most of these issues are likely just God’s punishment for abortion, gay rights, and exorbitant tax rates on oil companies.

With all of these issues facing our state, we need a strong, morally upright leader who supports hardline Republican values. So, let’s take a look at the pros and cons of some announced candidates for the upcoming primary election:

Dolores Umbridge

PROS

-Previous Leadership Experience

-More than willing to do or believe anything as long as it’s the “party line”

-Strict on rule of law and hates everyone who enjoys life (or questions evil dictators to try and stop them before it’s too late)

CONS

-Female

-Fictional

Kevin Spacey

PROS

-Previous Experience spouting awful political ideas regardless of whether he believes them

-Willing to manipulate people’s emotions if there’s a chance it might get him off the hook

-Desperate enough for people to like him he’s likely willing to do or say just about anything

CONS

-Gay

-Played a Democrat on TV

Roy Moore

PROS

-Lots of previous political experience

-Charisma in spades

-Washington Outsider

CONS

-Doesn’t marry the teenage girls he solicits for sex and then divorce them later when he wants to solicit someone else for sex, as God intended

Charles Manson

 PROS

-Strong Nationalist Understanding of America

-Well acquainted with needs of prison systems

-Music Lover

CONS

-Homicidal “Rough Patch”

-Possible Hippie

-Currently Incarcerated

The Joker

PROS

-Resembles our current governor enough in looks and policies to be a strong candidate for my frontrunner

-Entrepreneur, often employing multiple henchmen at any given time

-Used to operating in locations of social and economic downturn

CONS

-Opponent of vigilante justice

-Occasional mass-murderer

Well, there you have it folks. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: these candidates are lacking in the department of morality. But, sometimes we have to vote the party and trust God to change hearts. What would be the alternative? Voting for someone not part of the GOP? Not in my backyard!

Grab ‘em by the electorate,

Rock Doc T

Narcissitaville

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Rock Doc T here with another Peculiar Pete classic that’s been stuck in my head for weeks now.

“Narcissitaville” (To the tune of “Margaritaville”)

I won the election,

But still I’m detecting

There’s some folks who think that I don’t have a clue.

Ignore ‘em all; build me a wall,

Remind them I’m rubber and they are glue.

Life is so lonely here in Narcissitaville

Searching for my next verbal assault.

Some people claim that I have gone insane,

But I know that it’s Obama’s fault.

Tweetin’ at sunrise,

Oh what a surprise—

The liberal media’s spreading fake news.

But I’m such a genius,

With such a big…pair of hands,

I’ll fix the whole country and I’ll fix it soon.

Life is so lonely here in Narcissitaville

Searching for my next verbal assault.

Some people claim that I have gone insane,

But I know that it’s Hillary’s fault.

Fighting dictators,

Insulting my haters:

Women, Muslims, Blacks, and Mexicans.

But it’s all a distraction

So I can take action

And lower taxes for all my rich friends.

Life is so lonely here in Narcissitaville

Searching for my next verbal assault.

Some people claim that I have gone insane,

But I know that it can’t be my fault.

Yes, and Some people claim that I have gone insane,

But I know it’s everyone else’s fault.

Some say our beloved President Trump is a Narcissist, but is it really narcissism if you really are just the best at everything?

Wishing you happiness and a small loan of a million dollars,

Rock Doc T

Satan's Second-Favorite Holiday

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

It’s that time of year again, dear readers. A nip is in the air, football dominates our conversations, and the heathens have begun their worship of all things Pumpkin Spice. But, with Fall upon us, that means we are rapidly approaching Satan’s Second-Favorite Holiday: Halloween. (The first, of course, is a tie between Earth Day and all the other liberal agenda-driven environmentalist holidays like it. Trying to slow down The Lord’s destruction of the planet and hurt the marketshare of poor, defenseless, multinational conglomerates is nothing but baseless hedonism.) With that in mind, I’ve decided to send out a special edition of the district calendar to provide you with wholesome alternatives to costumed shenanigans that teach our children begging is appropriate.

October 21^st-November 4^th—Laverne Church of the Nasterine, in an attempt to lure in those sinful Christians who insist on church activities being “enjoyable” and “relevant,” will be hosting a terrifying “Heck” House, full of terrors galore, including what happens to boys and girls who don’t eat their vegetables, boys and girls who kiss before marriage, and adults who vote Democrat (hint: it rhymes with “know to smell…”). Get scared straight in case you’re worried you might commit sins ranging from “mild” to “caliente.”

October 28^th & 29^th—Our Burns Flat Church of the Nasterine is putting on a dramatic interpretation of various Chick Tracts© regarding all the evils of Halloween and the occult, including The Devil’s Night (an informative history lesson on the pagan origins of this shameful holiday) and Dark Dungeons (a scintillating expose on the witchcraft inherit in nerds everywhere)! They will have multiple showings throughout the day on Saturday, and a matinee showing between services on Sunday. If you’re worried that children in your life are headed down the Highway to Hell, make sure they are in attendance!

November 1^st—The Catholic Church, in a brazen overreach of Southern Hospitality, continues to insist on extending the title of saint beyond their own beloved mommas. While Halloween is an evil pagan holiday, November 1^st is All Saints’ Day, an evil “Christian” holiday. As such, pastor Monte Diamondback will be hosting a prayer vigil at Lookout Church of the Nasterine to offer up prayers of intercession for poor, misguided Catholics in the hopes that the Lord might allow us to help save their souls.

November 2^nd-November 5^th—Surely none of you God-fearing Nasterines have Halloween decorations, but it is a big industry, and we’d like to put a stop to it. That’s why our Tyrone Church of the Nasterine will be hosting a program staring November 2^nd to trade in those witches, ghouls, vampires, and zombies, for good, wholesome artifacts to enrich your spiritual life. Among the items being offered will be Bibles, crosses wrapped in American flags, handguns, ammunition, and “Make American Great Again” bumper stickers. You ought to be holier, and we’d like to help.

I’m so proud to be in charge of a district that focuses on the important things in life. You folks are just the best, so long as you remain perfectly pure, holy, and stale.

Vampires suck,

Rock Doc T

    

Bowie's Secret

(Actual) Dr. Bowie Sundance Tuttle

Senior Pastor & Part-Time Barista

Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship

Church of the Nasterine

“The journey is the destination when you find yourself where you are.”

Greetings again, fellow searchers after the truth of divine wisdom. You know, a lot of people ask me, “Teacher, what’s the secret of success? How did you find inner peace, and then balance that with pastoring a multitude of campuses across southern California?” And, I always give them the same answer: “Success is not measured in the momentousness of our accomplishments, but rather in the accomplishment we feel in our moments.”

But, if I’m going to be completely honest, there is a secret to my success. And, since I know some of you are free thinkers who will do exactly what I tell you instead of mindlessly following John Boy without question, I’d like to share that secret with the Far Right Oklahoma District, provided you’re all willing to swear an oath of non-discloser. I’ll wait while you go get a Bible to swear on.

Ready? Repeat after me:

“I, your name here, do solemnly swear not to reveal the secret of Pastor Bowie’s success, or may I never be able to read the Bible ever again and may I always vote Democrat.”

Okay, here’s my secret. I found the following ad in the back of a flyer at Cokesbury once upon a time, and it changed the course of my ministry:

Does your church worship God in the same boring way that everyone else does? Do you wish you could be exciting and different? Do theological absolutes make you feel icky and judgmental? Do you own a turtleneck sweater and Buddy Holly glasses?

If the answer to that last question was “No,” that’s okay, because they're the first items included in our Emergent Church Starter Kit! In addition to that wardrobe change (completed by skinny jeans, sneakers, and an optional sport coat), we also include the following worship space enhancing essentials:

·         (1) Industrial-sized crate filled with 12,000 candles of various shapes and sizes completely devoid of theological significance and full of “ambiance.”

·         (1) County-Fair Rockstar Starter Kit®, complete with a fog machine, laser light show, and speakers loud enough to guarantee you drive away anyone over the age of 45.

·         (1) Modular Build-Your-Own Worship Pastor Kit©, because you need someone to drive the end of your sermon home with background-enhancing chord progressions. Comes in the following variations: Gender-Ambiguous Hipster, Perfectly Groomed Homeless Person, and Pretty (In-a-non-threatening Way) Tambourine Girl.

·         (1) Easy-to-assemble “theological” bookstore and coffee shop. Comes fully stocked with pseudo-theological books about life’s journey, and fair-trade organic gluten-free paleo grass-fed free-range coffee beans.

As far as preaching is concerned, you’re going to want to avoid most of the Old Testament, unless you’re railing against the patriarchy, “God-commanded” violence, and how hung up on rules we used to be before we evolved into more free and intelligent beings. The prophets can be okay, but when you’re using them to judge religious people, make sure you emphasize often and loudly how you’re different. I would recommend sticking mostly to parables, since the kind of Christian you are going to attract from now on likes their truth ambiguous and narrative-driven.

Speaking of your new theological center, here’s a handy mantra to memorize and make your various staff pastors recite at your weekly brainstorming breakout sessions:

I choose to believe (but allow for your freedom to not believe) in God,

who can do a lot of neat and powerful stuff,

but not in a judgmental or oppressive way.

I choose to believe (but allow for your freedom to not believe) in Jesus Christ,

God's messenger, our groovy teacher,
who may or may not have done incredible and miraculous things,

Based on your own personal narrative meaning and theological center.

I choose to believe (but allow for your freedom to not believe) in  divine energy, 
metaphorically or realistically,
the faith community that meets my seeker-sensitive needs,
a weekly worship concert and vaguely spiritual experience,
that sins are just a judgmental way of keeping people down,
And that I’m too important to completely disappear when I die. Amen.

Once all these pieces are in place, you’re well on your way to having worship experiences with thousands and leading dozens to a deeper and more meaningful walk with God.

Dancing the divine dance of creation,

Space Audit T