Bowie's Secret

(Actual) Dr. Bowie Sundance Tuttle

Senior Pastor & Part-Time Barista

Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship

Church of the Nasterine

“The journey is the destination when you find yourself where you are.”

Greetings again, fellow searchers after the truth of divine wisdom. You know, a lot of people ask me, “Teacher, what’s the secret of success? How did you find inner peace, and then balance that with pastoring a multitude of campuses across southern California?” And, I always give them the same answer: “Success is not measured in the momentousness of our accomplishments, but rather in the accomplishment we feel in our moments.”

But, if I’m going to be completely honest, there is a secret to my success. And, since I know some of you are free thinkers who will do exactly what I tell you instead of mindlessly following John Boy without question, I’d like to share that secret with the Far Right Oklahoma District, provided you’re all willing to swear an oath of non-discloser. I’ll wait while you go get a Bible to swear on.

Ready? Repeat after me:

“I, your name here, do solemnly swear not to reveal the secret of Pastor Bowie’s success, or may I never be able to read the Bible ever again and may I always vote Democrat.”

Okay, here’s my secret. I found the following ad in the back of a flyer at Cokesbury once upon a time, and it changed the course of my ministry:

Does your church worship God in the same boring way that everyone else does? Do you wish you could be exciting and different? Do theological absolutes make you feel icky and judgmental? Do you own a turtleneck sweater and Buddy Holly glasses?

If the answer to that last question was “No,” that’s okay, because they're the first items included in our Emergent Church Starter Kit! In addition to that wardrobe change (completed by skinny jeans, sneakers, and an optional sport coat), we also include the following worship space enhancing essentials:

·         (1) Industrial-sized crate filled with 12,000 candles of various shapes and sizes completely devoid of theological significance and full of “ambiance.”

·         (1) County-Fair Rockstar Starter Kit®, complete with a fog machine, laser light show, and speakers loud enough to guarantee you drive away anyone over the age of 45.

·         (1) Modular Build-Your-Own Worship Pastor Kit©, because you need someone to drive the end of your sermon home with background-enhancing chord progressions. Comes in the following variations: Gender-Ambiguous Hipster, Perfectly Groomed Homeless Person, and Pretty (In-a-non-threatening Way) Tambourine Girl.

·         (1) Easy-to-assemble “theological” bookstore and coffee shop. Comes fully stocked with pseudo-theological books about life’s journey, and fair-trade organic gluten-free paleo grass-fed free-range coffee beans.

As far as preaching is concerned, you’re going to want to avoid most of the Old Testament, unless you’re railing against the patriarchy, “God-commanded” violence, and how hung up on rules we used to be before we evolved into more free and intelligent beings. The prophets can be okay, but when you’re using them to judge religious people, make sure you emphasize often and loudly how you’re different. I would recommend sticking mostly to parables, since the kind of Christian you are going to attract from now on likes their truth ambiguous and narrative-driven.

Speaking of your new theological center, here’s a handy mantra to memorize and make your various staff pastors recite at your weekly brainstorming breakout sessions:

I choose to believe (but allow for your freedom to not believe) in God,

who can do a lot of neat and powerful stuff,

but not in a judgmental or oppressive way.

I choose to believe (but allow for your freedom to not believe) in Jesus Christ,

God's messenger, our groovy teacher,
who may or may not have done incredible and miraculous things,

Based on your own personal narrative meaning and theological center.

I choose to believe (but allow for your freedom to not believe) in  divine energy, 
metaphorically or realistically,
the faith community that meets my seeker-sensitive needs,
a weekly worship concert and vaguely spiritual experience,
that sins are just a judgmental way of keeping people down,
And that I’m too important to completely disappear when I die. Amen.

Once all these pieces are in place, you’re well on your way to having worship experiences with thousands and leading dozens to a deeper and more meaningful walk with God.

Dancing the divine dance of creation,

Space Audit T