(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle,
Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
It’s that time of year
again, dear readers. A nip is in the air, football dominates our conversations,
and the heathens have begun their worship of all things Pumpkin Spice. But,
with Fall upon us, that means we are rapidly approaching Satan’s
Second-Favorite Holiday: Halloween. (The first, of course, is a tie between
Earth Day and all the other liberal agenda-driven environmentalist holidays
like it. Trying to slow down The Lord’s destruction of the planet and hurt the
marketshare of poor, defenseless, multinational conglomerates is nothing but
baseless hedonism.) With that in mind, I’ve decided to send out a special
edition of the district calendar to provide you with wholesome alternatives to
costumed shenanigans that teach our children begging is appropriate.
October 21st-November 4th—Laverne
Church of the Nasterine, in an attempt to lure in those sinful Christians who
insist on church activities being “enjoyable” and “relevant,” will be hosting a
terrifying “Heck” House, full of terrors galore, including what happens to boys
and girls who don’t eat their vegetables, boys and girls who kiss before
marriage, and adults who vote Democrat (hint: it rhymes with “know to smell…”).
Get scared straight in case you’re worried you might commit sins ranging from “mild”
to “caliente.”
October 28th & 29th—Our
Burns Flat Church of the Nasterine is putting on a dramatic interpretation of
various Chick Tracts© regarding all the evils of Halloween and the occult,
including The Devil’s Night (an informative history lesson on the pagan origins
of this shameful holiday) and Dark Dungeons (a scintillating expose on the
witchcraft inherit in nerds everywhere)! They will have multiple showings throughout
the day on Saturday, and a matinee showing between services on Sunday. If you’re
worried that children in your life are headed down the Highway to Hell, make
sure they are in attendance!
November 1st—The Catholic
Church, in a brazen overreach of Southern Hospitality, continues to insist on
extending the title of saint beyond their own beloved mommas. While Halloween
is an evil pagan holiday, November 1st is All Saints’ Day, an evil “Christian”
holiday. As such, pastor Monte Diamondback will be hosting a prayer vigil at
Lookout Church of the Nasterine to offer up prayers of intercession for poor,
misguided Catholics in the hopes that the Lord might allow us to help save
their souls.
November 2nd-November 5th—Surely
none of you God-fearing Nasterines have Halloween decorations, but it is a big
industry, and we’d like to put a stop to it. That’s why our Tyrone Church of
the Nasterine will be hosting a program staring November 2nd to
trade in those witches, ghouls, vampires, and zombies, for good, wholesome
artifacts to enrich your spiritual life. Among the items being offered will be
Bibles, crosses wrapped in American flags, handguns, ammunition, and “Make
American Great Again” bumper stickers. You ought to be holier, and we’d like to
help.
I’m so proud to be in
charge of a district that focuses on the important things in life. You folks
are just the best, so long as you remain perfectly pure, holy, and stale.
Vampires suck,
Rock Doc T
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