Nascassocks, Chastubillboards, and Paramentos

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Greeting, Boys and Girls! We in the Church of the Nasterine pride ourselves on being on the cutting edge of religion (particularly if that edge was cut sometime around 1953), which is why I’m so thrilled to introduce this exciting development from that special cross-section of Nasterines who are liturgical and rabid fans of Nascar: Sponsored Liturgical Garments and Paraments!

For the everyday liturgical Nasterine on the go, these cassocks provide an excellent way to remain stylishly devoted to the Lord while making sure that meeting District giving expectations will never be a problem again. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: doesn’t advertising run the risk of endangering our tax-exempt status? Not to worry, faithful reader. Once our current administration feasts their eyes on these Chasubles, I don’t think that will be a problem:

These thrifty sacramentalists are offering a wide variety of styles to choose from, including the heavy mixture of logos for lower giving levels:

Or, for those more serious donors, larger, centralized logos are an option:

Complete with the revolutionary idea, these churches also recommend the following giving levels, complete with labels and advertising options:

• Local Yokels: Give $100 and receive prominent advertising space on your local Nasterine pastor’s liturgicals. Perfect for local businesses wanting to promote awareness or those who want to force their pastor to support a sports team he hates!

• Saints: Give $500 and be given several prominent advertising spaces, as well as a sponsored parking spot sort of close to the front entrance of your local parish!

• Apostles: Give $1,000 and choose between prominent singular advertising space, sponsorship of the church van, or a guaranteed spot on the church board with voting privileges!

• Jesus’ Inner Circle: Give $100,000 and gain independent sponsorship of at least one service! Comes with a tote bag, parking space, and the ability to choose the pastor’s haircut!

• Rich Young Rulers: Give $250,000 and you gain the right to rename a Nasterine church in perpetuity!

• King Solomon Platinum Club Members: Give $1,000,000 or more and you gain all the rewards of our Platinum Club©—Privileges include (but are not limited to) Private church bathroom with monogramed towels, memory foam heated seat cushion in your reserved pew, the renaming of your church, and the personal cell phone numbers of your local DS and at least two GS’s!

I now have a new life’s ambition: after I retire as a GS, I plan to donate enough money for Ness City First Church of the Nasterine to be renamed John F. Tuttle Jr. Church of the Nasterine. Remember, Tuttligans: it’s easier for a camel to fit through the eye of the needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, but even narrow roads still have room for Harleys to ride on.

Always re-Adventing myself,

Rock Doc T