Democrats to the Left of Me, Demagogues to the Right

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Friends, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m loathe to talk about politics, especially since some of you can’t accept the fact that I’m always right. But, we’ve got an important election coming up next year, and I feel like that, as your spiritual leader and advisor, I would be shirking my duties if I didn’t do everything in my power to make sure you vote the right way (*wink,wink*). Unfortunately, the wonderful and lovely Mary Fallin can’t be our governor anymore, which is a shame because she is just a treasure.  Sure, the state is facing a massive budget shortfall. And education continues to decline. And our infrastructure is falling apart. And we have earthquakes. And drought. And rising unemployment. And constant cuts to public services. And addiction issues. And rising teen pregnancy rates. But, most of these issues are likely just God’s punishment for abortion, gay rights, and exorbitant tax rates on oil companies.

With all of these issues facing our state, we need a strong, morally upright leader who supports hardline Republican values. So, let’s take a look at the pros and cons of some announced candidates for the upcoming primary election:

Dolores Umbridge

PROS

-Previous Leadership Experience

-More than willing to do or believe anything as long as it’s the “party line”

-Strict on rule of law and hates everyone who enjoys life (or questions evil dictators to try and stop them before it’s too late)

CONS

-Female

-Fictional

Kevin Spacey

PROS

-Previous Experience spouting awful political ideas regardless of whether he believes them

-Willing to manipulate people’s emotions if there’s a chance it might get him off the hook

-Desperate enough for people to like him he’s likely willing to do or say just about anything

CONS

-Gay

-Played a Democrat on TV

Roy Moore

PROS

-Lots of previous political experience

-Charisma in spades

-Washington Outsider

CONS

-Doesn’t marry the teenage girls he solicits for sex and then divorce them later when he wants to solicit someone else for sex, as God intended

Charles Manson

 PROS

-Strong Nationalist Understanding of America

-Well acquainted with needs of prison systems

-Music Lover

CONS

-Homicidal “Rough Patch”

-Possible Hippie

-Currently Incarcerated

The Joker

PROS

-Resembles our current governor enough in looks and policies to be a strong candidate for my frontrunner

-Entrepreneur, often employing multiple henchmen at any given time

-Used to operating in locations of social and economic downturn

CONS

-Opponent of vigilante justice

-Occasional mass-murderer

Well, there you have it folks. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: these candidates are lacking in the department of morality. But, sometimes we have to vote the party and trust God to change hearts. What would be the alternative? Voting for someone not part of the GOP? Not in my backyard!

Grab ‘em by the electorate,

Rock Doc T