(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle,
Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
This may be difficult for some of you to believe, but at
times I grow weary of always having to tell you how I feel about things. That’s
one of the best things about these newsletters, to be honest. My opinions are
regularly available online to convict and condemn (all for the glorification of
the kingdom, of course).
With that in mind, I wanted to share with you something myself
and some of the other DS’s have been working on: a ranking of bible
translations, so that you all know which ones are righteous, which ones are
sinful, and which ones are boring. We are still in the process of compiling a
definitive list, but here are some of the ones we’re working on that I thought I’d
share with all of you. For comparison, I’ve chosen Genesis 3:1-7, because sin
takes all manner of forms.
Amplified Bible:
3 Now the serpent was more crafty (subtle, skilled in deceit)
than any living creature of the field which the Lord God
had made. And [a]the serpent (Satan) said
to the woman, “Can it really be that God has said, ‘You shall not eat from [b]any tree of the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the
trees of the garden, 3 except
the fruit from the tree which is in the middle of the garden. God said, ‘You
shall not eat from it nor touch it, otherwise you will die.’” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You certainly will not
die! 5 For God
knows that on the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened [that is, you
will have greater awareness], and you will be like God, knowing [the difference
between] good and evil.” 6 And
when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was delightful
to look at, and a tree to be desired in order to make one wise and insightful, she took some of its
fruit and ate it; and she also gave some to her husband [c]with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of the two of them were opened [that is, their
awareness increased], and they knew that they were naked; and they fastened fig
leaves together and made themselves coverings.
- Genesis 3:1 The relationship between
Satan and the serpent is not made clear, but Satan is identified with the
serpent later in Rev 12:9, 14, 15, and 20:2. It seems difficult to believe
that Eve would not have been suspicious of a talking creature, but at this
point in time Eve probably knew next to nothing about animals; and in any
case, the serpent, as it existed before the curse (v 14), was a very
different creature from the reptile that is familiar to us today.
- Genesis 3:1 Or every.
- Genesis 3:6 This may have been sometime
later. Jewish tradition said that Adam was absent at the time of Eve’s
conversation with the serpent (according to the Talmud).
Review—87.4/100—There aren’t any major theological issues
with this translation, but it’s a bit wordy. Even I don’t want to hear you use every
possible translation of every word. Stop trying to straddle the fence,
Zondervan.
King James Version:
3 Now the
serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And
he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of
the garden?
2 And the woman said unto
the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
3 But of the fruit of the
tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of
it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
4 And the serpent said
unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5 For God doth know that
in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as
gods, knowing good and evil.
6 And when the woman saw
that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a
tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did
eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
7 And the eyes of them
both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves
together, and made themselves aprons.
Review—100/100—Nothing say authority like 1600s, barely
legible English. I’m not even sure why we kept trying after this one. Subtract
20 points for the NKJV.
The Message:
3 The serpent was clever,
more clever than any wild animal God had
made. He spoke to the Woman: “Do I understand that God told you not to eat from
any tree in the garden?”
2-3 The Woman said to the
serpent, “Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It’s only about
the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, ‘Don’t eat from it; don’t
even touch it or you’ll die.’”
4-5 The serpent told the
Woman, “You won’t die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you’ll
see what’s really going on. You’ll be just like God, knowing everything,
ranging all the way from good to evil.”
6 When the Woman saw that
the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of
it—she’d know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her
husband, and he ate.
7 Immediately the two of
them did “see what’s really going on”—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig
leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.
Review—12/100—The Message “translation” is a lot like
tolerance. It seems like a nice idea;
then, next you know, you’re living in a communist state practicing Sharia law.
New American Standard
Bible:
3 Now the
serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to
the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from [a]any tree
of the garden’?” 2 The woman
said to the serpent, “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; 3 but from the fruit of the
tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat
from it or touch it, or you will die.’” 4 The serpent said to the
woman, “You surely will not die! 5 For God knows that in the day you eat from it
your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and
evil.” 6 When the
woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the
eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she
took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he
ate. 7 Then the
eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and
they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves [b]loin
coverings.
Footnotes:
- Genesis 3:1 Or every
- Genesis 3:7 Or girdles
Review—92/100—The NASB translation takes things in the right
direction—dry and dusty. If you have
to read a modern translation, you should at
least make it as boring as possible.
New Revised Standard
Version:
3 Now the
serpent was more crafty than any other wild animal that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman,
“Did God say, ‘You shall not eat from any tree in the garden’?” 2 The woman said to the
serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden; 3 but God said, ‘You shall
not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the middle of the garden, nor shall
you touch it, or you shall die.’” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not
die; 5 for God
knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like
God,[a] knowing
good and evil.” 6 So when
the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the
eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its
fruit and ate; and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he
ate. 7 Then the
eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed
fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves.
Footnotes:
- Genesis 3:5 Or gods
Review—67/100—The NASB for communists and liberals. Subtract
5 points if you’ve dumbed it down to the ESV, and add 5 points if you’ve taken
the extra step towards obscurity with the original RSV.
New International
Version:
3 Now the
serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the
woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
2 The woman
said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, ‘You must
not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must
not touch it, or you will die.’”
4 “You will
not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. 5 “For God knows that when
you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like
God, knowing good and evil.”
6 When the
woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye,
and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also
gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of
them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig
leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
Review—14 or 85/100—I understand that everyone is not as
smart as I am. So, if you have to read the NIV, I’ll try not to judge you.
Unless you’re reading the new, liberal revision (the one that’s 14/100). Then I’ll
judge you six ways to Sunday.
The Word on the
Street:
1 Now the snake was top of the Animal Cunning League.
Undisputed King of Sly among all God’s creative work. He sees the woman,
slithers up to her and asks, “Are the rumours true? Did God really slap a ban
on eating the fruit off these trees?” 2–3 “We can eat what we like,” answers
the woman, “apart from the fruit off the tree right in the middle. If we eat
off that, we’ll die.” 4–5 “Die?! Unlikely!” sneers the snake. “God well knows
that if you eat off that tree, it’ll open your eyes to a few things. You’ll
know the difference between good and evil, just like God does – so you’ll be
like God!” 6–7 The woman eyes up the fruit and thinks, It does look pretty
tasty – especially if it’s instant wisdom in a couple of bites. So she grabs
herself a juicy one, and takes a large chomp out of it. Then she hands it to
Adam, and he takes a mouthful too. Straight off, their eyes are opened and they
realize they’re stark naked. A new feeling – embarrassment. They stitch
together some fig leaves and cover the necessaries.
Review: -666/100—As the kids are saying, “I literally cannot
even handle it.” Or something like that.
There you have it. Make sure when you chose a translation, you're not the object of John 11:35.
You can look it up yourself,
Rock Doc T
