Books Too Trashy Even For Mardel

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Many of you have asked me about the sorts of letters that my father, Tuttle Sr., would write, and I haven’t posted any of them yet, because they’re a lot like him: mostly worthless trash. But, since so many of you are asking that I show you instead of you just innately trusting my opinion (which you really should), I’ll show you what I mean:

NEW FOR 1991! From your Nasterine Publishing House! Because we know what Christian women really want…introducing:

“Heavenly Dove”

Christian Romance Novel Series

Feel the passion! Experience the joy! Cry the tears! Sigh with envy! As you read of beautiful romances from a Christian perspective. From the best-selling Christian women authors, escape from the pressures of church work and home life into a world of Spirit-filled romance. Collect all 7,678 books in the series! Read them and trade them with other women in your church.

     Enroll TODAY in the HEAVENLY DOVE Christian Romance Novel Club, because if you’re going to read junk, at least make it CHRISTIAN junk!

     Order now, and you will receive the first three HEAVENLY DOVE Christian Romance Novels.

No flame burns hotter than a love too long denied…

“His name was Jesse. Tall and dark, with eyes the most startling shade of blue, he was the best (single) pastor their church had ever had. Young, lovely Courtney put her faith in him…little dreaming of the secret passion that burned in Jesse’s soul…little imagining the fires that would ignite during the long Board Meetings, driving them together in an ecstatic frenzy that only passion understood…and the General and Special Rules could tame!”

From the pen of Danielle Steelheart, comes the church romance: “THE PASSIONATE PREACHER.”

 

“She was a young, beautiful, alone woman… A

Nasterine primary Sunday School teacher with so much more to give…He was a dark, fatally handsome Born-Again Believer who desired her…but he was a CHARISMATIC! Yet, she couldn’t help herself! She felt strangely drawn to this mysterious tongue-speaker…Could their love overcome the binding chains of church doctrine so that their love could fly free and full? Or will the little old ladies of the church smother their passion with rumors and gossip?” BARBARA COURTLAND presents: “THE FLAMING TONGUE!”

     Herald of Howliness magazine says: “The Flaming Tongue is an enthralling book, with a love story feisty and romantic as a Tracy/Hepburn movie film!”

“With the blazing fury of a true Wesleyan, Christine Montegomery bravely defies the church feud by falling in love with Brett Heartstrong…Though the Montegomerys & the Heartstrongs have been rivals for power in the church for years, Christine battles schemes of greed and intrigue, the bold beauty resists the pressures of family, to win the heart of the dashing, manly-chested Brett. Will their love cause the church split the pastor has been holding off for years? Jane Deveraux will enthrall you with, “THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEMPTRESS.”

     Those Other Sheep magazine says, “Finally, a book that admits the sanctified are also passionate!”

Hopefully that satiates your curiosity and does absolutely nothing to titillate your senses,

Rock Doc T

Move Over, Tinder! There's a New App in Town

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Our great church has just wrapped its quadrennial Great Convention, and it looks like we’re moving towards the future, whether we like it or not: we’ve changed our statement on human sexuality, elected new GS that are not old, white men, and the old folks are nervous. Sounds like progress to me. So, in the spirit of progress, I want to share with you the brand new dating app (which I have recently been informed is short for “application” and not “appetizer”) that was being “beta-tested” (I’m not sure what fish have to do with it, but maybe one of you youngsters know what that means) last week during the Great Convention:

Do you want to make a change in the way you look for a lifelong partner, but you’re just not sure where to start? We understand your concerns: the dating world is a dangerous and scary place, and you want to make sure you find the person Jesus wants you to be with. That’s why we’re proud to introduce NastiHearts, the dating app exclusively for Nasterines!

Available for download through Nasterine Publishing House, NastiHearts is 83% guaranteed* to find you a partner of the opposite gender who will also be a Nasterine. Just answer our exhaustive questionnaire with over 650 questions, including questions such as:

What are your political affiliations?

Are you now or have you ever felt called to be a pastor and/or missionary?

Do you believe in complete and total biblical inerrancy?

What’s your favorite Bible translation?

How many dates should you go on with another adult before you don’t need a chaperone?

How do you interpret the use of John Wesley’s quadrilateral in how we make day to day moral decisions?

After gathering that information (and delivering it to a database at Nasterine Headquarters), NastiHearts will search our entire global database of users and rank them in order for you based on level of connectivity. After all, is it really true love if you aren’t willing to move to Mozambique or Bulgaria to find that perfect someone?

*guarantee not guaranteed.

I find technology frightening and bothersome, but surely some of you younger folks will have quite the hootenanny using this “app” at various shindigs. This sort of thing wasn’t around when I found Truella, but I suppose it will be helpful for the 10% or so of you who escape from one of our various Higher Learning institutions without already being married.

Leave room for Jesus,

Rock Doc T

Peculiar Pete Would NEVER Claim to Be Bigger than Jesus

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Another song from Peculiar Pete, which I think dovetails nicely with the inane ramblings (I regrettably subjected you to) of “actual” Dr. Tuttle…

No One Goes to Hell (To the tune of "Yellow Submarine")

In the church where I was raised

There was judgment mixed with praise

But we heard about a man

Who devised a kinder plan

So we learned from Origen

Some might call it heresy

But we’re happier this way

When there’s no hell to pay

We are all unequivocally saved

No one goes to hell, no one goes to hell

We are all unequivocally saved

No one goes to hell, no one goes to hell

And our friends are coming, too

Hindu, Muslim, Christian, and Jew

All theology’s okay

We are all unequivocally saved

No one goes to hell, no one goes to hell

We are all unequivocally saved

No one goes to hell, no one goes to hell

As we live in perfect peace (Perfect peace)

Every one of us (Every one of us) thinks what we need (Thinks what we need)

Keep opinions (Keep opinions) to yourself (To yourself)

Because no one (Because no one) goes to hell (Goes to hell, ha, ha)

We are all unequivocally saved

No one goes to hell, no one goes to hell

We are all unequivocally saved

No one goes to hell, no one goes to hell

We are all unequivocally saved

No one goes to hell, no one goes to hell

We are all unequivocally saved

No one goes to hell, no one goes to hell

Once upon a time I was sorry for putting dog poop on the handlebars of Bowie’s bicycle when we were kids. Not anymore.

More than willing to condemn people to Hell,

Rock Doc T 

Now With 60% Less Bias!

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Well, my dear Nasterines, it’s as I feared: ever since joining the District, Gay Deathrage continues to be a thorn in my side. And, much like Paul, I’ve asked the Lord to take her away (a lot more than three times, as a matter of fact), but apparently the Lord thinks I need to suffer. But, while I continue to suffer, certain concessions have to be made for the sake of the District and my sanity.

Sister Deathrage has accused my newsletters of being one-sided, but can I help it that my side of things also happens to be the truth? But, never let it be said that John F. Tuttle Jr. isn’t willing to listen to the other side of the issues. However, rather than allow Gay to write one of these letters (the real reason behind her cries of injustice), I’ve elected to bring you a very special letter from someone who is, regrettably, my cousin. Without further ado, I present *sigh* Bowie Sundance Tuttle, pastor of Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship Church of the Nasterine in Joshua Tree, California:

(Actual) Dr. Bowie Sundance Tuttle

Senior Pastor & Part-Time Barista

Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship

Church of the Nasterine

“The journey is the destination when you find yourself where you are.”

Greetings, fellow travelers on the road to discovery. When John asked me about doing one of these letters, I was initially a little hesitant. But then I figured, “Why not? Either they’ll hate you, and he’ll never ask you to do another one, or they won’t, and you’ll get a chance to reach a whole new audience and spread a message of tolerance and togetherness.” So, I said yes. I thought for my initial letter to you I’d just tell you a bit about myself and my background.

Like “John Boy” I’ve been a Nasterine pastor for quite a while. I couldn’t tell you how long exactly, because I feel like it’s incredibly biased to keep track of specifics. It takes all of the nuance and mystery out of life, you know? But, if you need to know some exact details, I can tell you that I attended Spot Highma Nasterine University where I got my BA in Statistical Underutilization of Barthian Justifications for Economics Culminating in Theological Intellectualism and Varification of Elohistic Tribalism and Rationale of Unmitigated Theocentricity in History. After that, I attender Emptier Seminary for my post graduate work and got my PhD in Infinite Genders Studies from UC Berkley.

At Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship Church of the Nasterine, we are welcoming of all religious backgrounds, walks of life, social classes, genders, sexualities, species, and xenotypes (if you are from another planet, please feel free to come experience the mysteries of the infinite with us!). We have 12 services on the weekend to best accommodate the needs of individual seekers: Saturdays at 8pm, 10pm, and our very popular “Stumble in Drunk” Service at 2:47 in the morning. On Sundays we have our ARISE service at 6am, our ARISE 2: ARISE HARDER service at 7am, our ARISE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE service at 8am, our “culturally normative” service times at 9am and 10:30am, our OVERSLEPT service at 1pm, REFUEL service at 2pm, RECHARGE at 3pm, and our exceedingly popular GET MOM OFF MY BACK BY DOING THE BARE MINIMUM service at 7pm. All of these services are also available at each of our 17 satellite campus locations, all of which come equipped with barely competent volunteer host pastors, state of the art TV broadcasting of my sermons, and androgynous house bands with tight pants and poor grooming habits.

All of our locations also come equipped with the latest in coffee bar technology, from French Presses to the all-new and very exclusive COVFEFE method. All of our ministers are also certified baristas to meet your spiritual and caffeination needs. Each location also has a fully-stocked bookstore, with everything to meet your spiritual needs: Bob Bell, Shane Claibjörn, and newly-added author Jen Tentmaker, as well as pamphlets on all of the multiverse of genders and how to incorporate regular trips to Planned Parenthood into your spiritual journey. We also have non-descript office space and meditation rooms for meetings and yoga classes led by Islamic extremists. Hope to see you at one of our services soon!

Always journeying towards knowledge,

Space Audit T 

MAMMON: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Ba'al

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

There’s lots of talk about money flying around these days as President Trump and our fantastic state legislators both work on the process of finalizing budgets for the upcoming year, and while I’m proud of the good work that we’re doing on both the local and national level to decimate funding for liberal projects like schools and roads and protect the marginalized, like poor, defenseless multi-national conglomerates, I still can’t help but worry that it’s not enough. What if the excessively wealthy can’t save us, even if we give then an exceedingly disproportionate share of the resources?

If you’ve had similar worries, I’m pleased to announce a highly-anticipated new book by recent up and coming author Creflo B. Gimme, MAMMON, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ba’al:

  

In this exciting volume, Gimme is a wellspring of knowledge on how you can feel justified in thinking that the government is cheating the rich out of taxes to care for those moochers who don’t have the decency to be born privileged, with such chapters as:

Chapter 4: Trickle-Down Economics: It Just Works

Chapter 7: The Economy of Heaven: Why Giving to the Poor is About Personal Holiness, Not Societal Necessity

Chapter 10: Too Big to Fail: Why the Rich Need Your Money More Than You

Chapter 11: Moral Bankruptcy: Why You Should Send Me a Check for $1,000

Chapter 18: Silver Spoons Still Have to Be Polished: Why Privilege is Really Not That Big a Deal

Chapter 23: Fighting Logic with Distractions & Cruelty: How to Make Arguments Ad Hominem

I especially appreciated his advice in Chapter 23 about deflecting any concerns about the current administration by complaining loudly about Obama and the Clintons until the other person gives up and leaves. I can highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to pick fights with liberals, feel better about replacing that 2015 F-750 truck with the new 2018 F-950, or better understand true religion when it comes to economics. No one can tell you that taxes on the rich help the poor, Jesus condemned material wealth, or welfare and Obamacare help people ever again!

Benghazi Emails,

Rock Doc T

Perky's Guide to the Great Convention

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Happy Mother’s Day to all the special ladies on our district! I was going through some of the original Tuttle Letters that my scoundrel of a father wrote over 25 years ago, and found this gem written by my dear sainted mother, Perky Ann Devoted. In honor of my own mother, and the impending Great Convention in NativeAmericanville, I thought I would share this timeless wisdom with you all from a woman who is half June Cleaver, half Nancy Reagan, and half Ruth Graham. Take it away, Mom!  

PERKY’S GUIDE TO

THE GREAT CONVENTION

By Mrs. John Tuttle

Dear Ladies:

How precious this time is that I have to write and share with you from my heart, as the lady of the District Parsonage. Usually I leave these little newsletters to John, or “daddy,” as I affectionately call him, but with the Great Convention coming up soon, I thought it important to write the Parsonage Ladies and give them some “tips.” As you know, being the daughter of a DS, a pastor’s wife, and now the wife of a DS, I have been to many, many Great Conventions, and I just wanted to share with you from my vast experience in this area. Since the Great Conventions give us ladies the ULTIMATE opportunity to enhance our husband’s success, here are some “need to know” tips:

DRESS: Remember, ladies, you are there to promote your husband, so how you look is important. The key here is to LOOK professional without taking away from your husband’s appearance. The ruling biblical passage here is, “He must increase, while I must decrease.” I know that ORIGINALLY that passage is referring to Jesus increasing and Paul decreasing, but I take very practical views to Scripture. BUSINESS SUITS are the best thing to wear, with high-neck blouses. Conservative colors, of course. One neat little trick of the trade I have learned: since you will always want to wear a scarf with your outfit (who would be caught dead without one?!), try to have your scarf match your husband’s tie and handkerchief. This perfectly achieves that “classy yet submissive” look that is so important for those women who always have their eyes on their husband’s career. Also, CLEAR—I repeat, CLEAR—fingernail polish at all times! Failure to observe this rule can itself blow a good promotion! For you younger, Seminary wives, start NOW in letting those pierced ears grow closed. And, of course, NO open-toed shoes. Modest jewelry, and only one ring. Lipstick should be soft colors. You will each have to wear those ugly name-tags (and they NEVER go with anything you have on), but be sure not to put your first name. Ladies, THIS IS VITAL! Always put Mrs., and then put your husband’s name. Your identity as a person is unimportant. The only reason your parents gave you a first name was so that they would have something to call you until you got married. It is your husband’s name you want to push. Remember, when HE moves up, YOU go with HIM!

CONVERSATION: Talking right is as vital as looking right. 80% of what you say should be to say how “wonderful” the convention is, how “precious” everything looks, and how “special” so-and-so is. COMPLIMENT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE! If an issue is raised during a conversation, always quote your husband’s views. If that fails, just smile and say that you are too busy spending quality time with your children to get involved in such issues. NEVER admit that you watch television. Also, remember that since you will be dining and shopping in Indianapolis [NativeAmericanville], you will want to leave a good impression about Nasterines with the locals. So always say things like, “I think Dan Quayle is a WONDERFUL Vice President.” You can always go to the altar when you get back home.

VOTING: If you are a delegate, you will of course want to be sure to check with your husband on how you should vote on things. If he is liberal and says it is up to you, a helpful tip: always vote your conscience on the first ballot, and then vote with the majority on every ballot after that. After all, the sooner the voting is over, the sooner you can go shopping!

I hope that this little letter has helped. You are all so very special to me. And remember, at convention, ALWAYS be seen with the wife of someone who is higher up than you!

Huggies,

Perky

Rollin' to Jerusalem

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

I am always just tickled pink (as Truly might say, bless her) when someone on our district develops their gifts and graces for the service of the kingdom. We have talent in spades here on the Far Right Oklahoma District, from yodeling gargler Ida Winslow to Henry Jenkins and his tap dancing carpentry, but I’m not writing today to tell you about Ida or Henry. I’m writing to tell you about Peter “Peculiar Pete” Wallinkowskowitz, who has been writing theological parody songs and performing in the basement of our church in Catesby. With Pete’s permission, I’d like to share with you the lyrics to one of my personal favorites (here’s a handy link explaining the theology behind the song if you’re not familiar with what “the Jews” have been up to since that whole crucifixion thing):

  

Rollin’ to Jerusalem (To The Tune of “Proud Mary” by Creedance Clearwater Revival)

Left a good grave in Damascus

Rollin’ to the holy city night and day.

Lived my life in exile, hopin’ to reconcile,

Returning to the promise made to Abraham.

Big tunnels keep on leadin’,

Kosher bodies keep on needin’

To be rollin', rollin', rollin' to Jerusalem.

Spent my life slavin’ for the Pharaoh

Now I’m down in Sheol waitin’ for the day

Messiah will be comin’, shofar will be soundin’,

But we gonna roll ‘til we reach that day.

                              

Big tunnels keep on leadin’,

Kosher bodies keep on needin’

To be rollin', rollin', rollin' to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

If you come on down to the Mount

Where them olives grow up on Zion’s hill

And you see some corpses; you don’t have to worry,

George Romero ain’t there makin’ zombie films.

Big tunnels keep on leadin’,

Kosher bodies keep on needin’

To be rollin', rollin', rollin' to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

I'm so proud of Pete and how he takes The Devil's music and makes it into something suitable for consumption by good, honest Nasterines. That’s a toe-tapper that’ll be stuck in my head for a while.

לשנה הבאה בירושלים, 

Rock Doc T