(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle,
Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
Our great church has just wrapped its quadrennial Great
Convention, and it looks like we’re moving towards the future, whether we like
it or not: we’ve changed our statement on human sexuality, elected new GS that
are not old, white men, and the old folks are nervous. Sounds like progress to
me. So, in the spirit of progress, I want to share with you the brand new
dating app (which I have recently been informed is short for “application” and
not “appetizer”) that was being “beta-tested” (I’m not sure what fish have to
do with it, but maybe one of you youngsters know what that means) last week
during the Great Convention:
Do
you want to make a change in the way you look for a lifelong partner, but
you’re just not sure where to start? We understand your concerns: the dating
world is a dangerous and scary place, and you want to make sure you find the
person Jesus wants you to be with. That’s why we’re proud to introduce NastiHearts, the dating app exclusively
for Nasterines!
Available
for download through Nasterine Publishing House, NastiHearts is 83% guaranteed* to find you a partner of the
opposite gender who will also be a Nasterine. Just answer our exhaustive
questionnaire with over 650 questions, including questions such as:
What are your political affiliations?
Are you now or have you ever felt
called to be a pastor and/or missionary?
Do you believe in complete and total
biblical inerrancy?
What’s your favorite Bible
translation?
How many dates should you go on with
another adult before you don’t need a chaperone?
How do you interpret the use of John
Wesley’s quadrilateral in how we make day to day moral decisions?
After
gathering that information (and delivering it to a database at Nasterine
Headquarters), NastiHearts will
search our entire global database of users and rank them in order for you based
on level of connectivity. After all, is it really true love if you aren’t
willing to move to Mozambique or Bulgaria to find that perfect someone?
*guarantee not
guaranteed.
I find technology frightening and bothersome, but surely
some of you younger folks will have quite the hootenanny using this “app” at
various shindigs. This sort of thing wasn’t around when I found Truella, but I
suppose it will be helpful for the 10% or so of you who escape from one of our
various Higher Learning institutions without already being married.
Leave room for Jesus,
Rock Doc T
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