Now With 60% Less Bias!

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Well, my dear Nasterines, it’s as I feared: ever since joining the District, Gay Deathrage continues to be a thorn in my side. And, much like Paul, I’ve asked the Lord to take her away (a lot more than three times, as a matter of fact), but apparently the Lord thinks I need to suffer. But, while I continue to suffer, certain concessions have to be made for the sake of the District and my sanity.

Sister Deathrage has accused my newsletters of being one-sided, but can I help it that my side of things also happens to be the truth? But, never let it be said that John F. Tuttle Jr. isn’t willing to listen to the other side of the issues. However, rather than allow Gay to write one of these letters (the real reason behind her cries of injustice), I’ve elected to bring you a very special letter from someone who is, regrettably, my cousin. Without further ado, I present *sigh* Bowie Sundance Tuttle, pastor of Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship Church of the Nasterine in Joshua Tree, California:

(Actual) Dr. Bowie Sundance Tuttle

Senior Pastor & Part-Time Barista

Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship

Church of the Nasterine

“The journey is the destination when you find yourself where you are.”

Greetings, fellow travelers on the road to discovery. When John asked me about doing one of these letters, I was initially a little hesitant. But then I figured, “Why not? Either they’ll hate you, and he’ll never ask you to do another one, or they won’t, and you’ll get a chance to reach a whole new audience and spread a message of tolerance and togetherness.” So, I said yes. I thought for my initial letter to you I’d just tell you a bit about myself and my background.

Like “John Boy” I’ve been a Nasterine pastor for quite a while. I couldn’t tell you how long exactly, because I feel like it’s incredibly biased to keep track of specifics. It takes all of the nuance and mystery out of life, you know? But, if you need to know some exact details, I can tell you that I attended Spot Highma Nasterine University where I got my BA in Statistical Underutilization of Barthian Justifications for Economics Culminating in Theological Intellectualism and Varification of Elohistic Tribalism and Rationale of Unmitigated Theocentricity in History. After that, I attender Emptier Seminary for my post graduate work and got my PhD in Infinite Genders Studies from UC Berkley.

At Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship Church of the Nasterine, we are welcoming of all religious backgrounds, walks of life, social classes, genders, sexualities, species, and xenotypes (if you are from another planet, please feel free to come experience the mysteries of the infinite with us!). We have 12 services on the weekend to best accommodate the needs of individual seekers: Saturdays at 8pm, 10pm, and our very popular “Stumble in Drunk” Service at 2:47 in the morning. On Sundays we have our ARISE service at 6am, our ARISE 2: ARISE HARDER service at 7am, our ARISE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE service at 8am, our “culturally normative” service times at 9am and 10:30am, our OVERSLEPT service at 1pm, REFUEL service at 2pm, RECHARGE at 3pm, and our exceedingly popular GET MOM OFF MY BACK BY DOING THE BARE MINIMUM service at 7pm. All of these services are also available at each of our 17 satellite campus locations, all of which come equipped with barely competent volunteer host pastors, state of the art TV broadcasting of my sermons, and androgynous house bands with tight pants and poor grooming habits.

All of our locations also come equipped with the latest in coffee bar technology, from French Presses to the all-new and very exclusive COVFEFE method. All of our ministers are also certified baristas to meet your spiritual and caffeination needs. Each location also has a fully-stocked bookstore, with everything to meet your spiritual needs: Bob Bell, Shane Claibjörn, and newly-added author Jen Tentmaker, as well as pamphlets on all of the multiverse of genders and how to incorporate regular trips to Planned Parenthood into your spiritual journey. We also have non-descript office space and meditation rooms for meetings and yoga classes led by Islamic extremists. Hope to see you at one of our services soon!

Always journeying towards knowledge,

Space Audit T