Perky's Guide to the Great Convention

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Happy Mother’s Day to all the special ladies on our district! I was going through some of the original Tuttle Letters that my scoundrel of a father wrote over 25 years ago, and found this gem written by my dear sainted mother, Perky Ann Devoted. In honor of my own mother, and the impending Great Convention in NativeAmericanville, I thought I would share this timeless wisdom with you all from a woman who is half June Cleaver, half Nancy Reagan, and half Ruth Graham. Take it away, Mom!  

PERKY’S GUIDE TO

THE GREAT CONVENTION

By Mrs. John Tuttle

Dear Ladies:

How precious this time is that I have to write and share with you from my heart, as the lady of the District Parsonage. Usually I leave these little newsletters to John, or “daddy,” as I affectionately call him, but with the Great Convention coming up soon, I thought it important to write the Parsonage Ladies and give them some “tips.” As you know, being the daughter of a DS, a pastor’s wife, and now the wife of a DS, I have been to many, many Great Conventions, and I just wanted to share with you from my vast experience in this area. Since the Great Conventions give us ladies the ULTIMATE opportunity to enhance our husband’s success, here are some “need to know” tips:

DRESS: Remember, ladies, you are there to promote your husband, so how you look is important. The key here is to LOOK professional without taking away from your husband’s appearance. The ruling biblical passage here is, “He must increase, while I must decrease.” I know that ORIGINALLY that passage is referring to Jesus increasing and Paul decreasing, but I take very practical views to Scripture. BUSINESS SUITS are the best thing to wear, with high-neck blouses. Conservative colors, of course. One neat little trick of the trade I have learned: since you will always want to wear a scarf with your outfit (who would be caught dead without one?!), try to have your scarf match your husband’s tie and handkerchief. This perfectly achieves that “classy yet submissive” look that is so important for those women who always have their eyes on their husband’s career. Also, CLEAR—I repeat, CLEAR—fingernail polish at all times! Failure to observe this rule can itself blow a good promotion! For you younger, Seminary wives, start NOW in letting those pierced ears grow closed. And, of course, NO open-toed shoes. Modest jewelry, and only one ring. Lipstick should be soft colors. You will each have to wear those ugly name-tags (and they NEVER go with anything you have on), but be sure not to put your first name. Ladies, THIS IS VITAL! Always put Mrs., and then put your husband’s name. Your identity as a person is unimportant. The only reason your parents gave you a first name was so that they would have something to call you until you got married. It is your husband’s name you want to push. Remember, when HE moves up, YOU go with HIM!

CONVERSATION: Talking right is as vital as looking right. 80% of what you say should be to say how “wonderful” the convention is, how “precious” everything looks, and how “special” so-and-so is. COMPLIMENT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE! If an issue is raised during a conversation, always quote your husband’s views. If that fails, just smile and say that you are too busy spending quality time with your children to get involved in such issues. NEVER admit that you watch television. Also, remember that since you will be dining and shopping in Indianapolis [NativeAmericanville], you will want to leave a good impression about Nasterines with the locals. So always say things like, “I think Dan Quayle is a WONDERFUL Vice President.” You can always go to the altar when you get back home.

VOTING: If you are a delegate, you will of course want to be sure to check with your husband on how you should vote on things. If he is liberal and says it is up to you, a helpful tip: always vote your conscience on the first ballot, and then vote with the majority on every ballot after that. After all, the sooner the voting is over, the sooner you can go shopping!

I hope that this little letter has helped. You are all so very special to me. And remember, at convention, ALWAYS be seen with the wife of someone who is higher up than you!

Huggies,

Perky