MAMMON: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Ba'al

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

There’s lots of talk about money flying around these days as President Trump and our fantastic state legislators both work on the process of finalizing budgets for the upcoming year, and while I’m proud of the good work that we’re doing on both the local and national level to decimate funding for liberal projects like schools and roads and protect the marginalized, like poor, defenseless multi-national conglomerates, I still can’t help but worry that it’s not enough. What if the excessively wealthy can’t save us, even if we give then an exceedingly disproportionate share of the resources?

If you’ve had similar worries, I’m pleased to announce a highly-anticipated new book by recent up and coming author Creflo B. Gimme, MAMMON, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ba’al:

  

In this exciting volume, Gimme is a wellspring of knowledge on how you can feel justified in thinking that the government is cheating the rich out of taxes to care for those moochers who don’t have the decency to be born privileged, with such chapters as:

Chapter 4: Trickle-Down Economics: It Just Works

Chapter 7: The Economy of Heaven: Why Giving to the Poor is About Personal Holiness, Not Societal Necessity

Chapter 10: Too Big to Fail: Why the Rich Need Your Money More Than You

Chapter 11: Moral Bankruptcy: Why You Should Send Me a Check for $1,000

Chapter 18: Silver Spoons Still Have to Be Polished: Why Privilege is Really Not That Big a Deal

Chapter 23: Fighting Logic with Distractions & Cruelty: How to Make Arguments Ad Hominem

I especially appreciated his advice in Chapter 23 about deflecting any concerns about the current administration by complaining loudly about Obama and the Clintons until the other person gives up and leaves. I can highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to pick fights with liberals, feel better about replacing that 2015 F-750 truck with the new 2018 F-950, or better understand true religion when it comes to economics. No one can tell you that taxes on the rich help the poor, Jesus condemned material wealth, or welfare and Obamacare help people ever again!

Benghazi Emails,

Rock Doc T

Perky's Guide to the Great Convention

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Happy Mother’s Day to all the special ladies on our district! I was going through some of the original Tuttle Letters that my scoundrel of a father wrote over 25 years ago, and found this gem written by my dear sainted mother, Perky Ann Devoted. In honor of my own mother, and the impending Great Convention in NativeAmericanville, I thought I would share this timeless wisdom with you all from a woman who is half June Cleaver, half Nancy Reagan, and half Ruth Graham. Take it away, Mom!  

PERKY’S GUIDE TO

THE GREAT CONVENTION

By Mrs. John Tuttle

Dear Ladies:

How precious this time is that I have to write and share with you from my heart, as the lady of the District Parsonage. Usually I leave these little newsletters to John, or “daddy,” as I affectionately call him, but with the Great Convention coming up soon, I thought it important to write the Parsonage Ladies and give them some “tips.” As you know, being the daughter of a DS, a pastor’s wife, and now the wife of a DS, I have been to many, many Great Conventions, and I just wanted to share with you from my vast experience in this area. Since the Great Conventions give us ladies the ULTIMATE opportunity to enhance our husband’s success, here are some “need to know” tips:

DRESS: Remember, ladies, you are there to promote your husband, so how you look is important. The key here is to LOOK professional without taking away from your husband’s appearance. The ruling biblical passage here is, “He must increase, while I must decrease.” I know that ORIGINALLY that passage is referring to Jesus increasing and Paul decreasing, but I take very practical views to Scripture. BUSINESS SUITS are the best thing to wear, with high-neck blouses. Conservative colors, of course. One neat little trick of the trade I have learned: since you will always want to wear a scarf with your outfit (who would be caught dead without one?!), try to have your scarf match your husband’s tie and handkerchief. This perfectly achieves that “classy yet submissive” look that is so important for those women who always have their eyes on their husband’s career. Also, CLEAR—I repeat, CLEAR—fingernail polish at all times! Failure to observe this rule can itself blow a good promotion! For you younger, Seminary wives, start NOW in letting those pierced ears grow closed. And, of course, NO open-toed shoes. Modest jewelry, and only one ring. Lipstick should be soft colors. You will each have to wear those ugly name-tags (and they NEVER go with anything you have on), but be sure not to put your first name. Ladies, THIS IS VITAL! Always put Mrs., and then put your husband’s name. Your identity as a person is unimportant. The only reason your parents gave you a first name was so that they would have something to call you until you got married. It is your husband’s name you want to push. Remember, when HE moves up, YOU go with HIM!

CONVERSATION: Talking right is as vital as looking right. 80% of what you say should be to say how “wonderful” the convention is, how “precious” everything looks, and how “special” so-and-so is. COMPLIMENT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE! If an issue is raised during a conversation, always quote your husband’s views. If that fails, just smile and say that you are too busy spending quality time with your children to get involved in such issues. NEVER admit that you watch television. Also, remember that since you will be dining and shopping in Indianapolis [NativeAmericanville], you will want to leave a good impression about Nasterines with the locals. So always say things like, “I think Dan Quayle is a WONDERFUL Vice President.” You can always go to the altar when you get back home.

VOTING: If you are a delegate, you will of course want to be sure to check with your husband on how you should vote on things. If he is liberal and says it is up to you, a helpful tip: always vote your conscience on the first ballot, and then vote with the majority on every ballot after that. After all, the sooner the voting is over, the sooner you can go shopping!

I hope that this little letter has helped. You are all so very special to me. And remember, at convention, ALWAYS be seen with the wife of someone who is higher up than you!

Huggies,

Perky

Rollin' to Jerusalem

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

I am always just tickled pink (as Truly might say, bless her) when someone on our district develops their gifts and graces for the service of the kingdom. We have talent in spades here on the Far Right Oklahoma District, from yodeling gargler Ida Winslow to Henry Jenkins and his tap dancing carpentry, but I’m not writing today to tell you about Ida or Henry. I’m writing to tell you about Peter “Peculiar Pete” Wallinkowskowitz, who has been writing theological parody songs and performing in the basement of our church in Catesby. With Pete’s permission, I’d like to share with you the lyrics to one of my personal favorites (here’s a handy link explaining the theology behind the song if you’re not familiar with what “the Jews” have been up to since that whole crucifixion thing):

  

Rollin’ to Jerusalem (To The Tune of “Proud Mary” by Creedance Clearwater Revival)

Left a good grave in Damascus

Rollin’ to the holy city night and day.

Lived my life in exile, hopin’ to reconcile,

Returning to the promise made to Abraham.

Big tunnels keep on leadin’,

Kosher bodies keep on needin’

To be rollin', rollin', rollin' to Jerusalem.

Spent my life slavin’ for the Pharaoh

Now I’m down in Sheol waitin’ for the day

Messiah will be comin’, shofar will be soundin’,

But we gonna roll ‘til we reach that day.

                              

Big tunnels keep on leadin’,

Kosher bodies keep on needin’

To be rollin', rollin', rollin' to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

If you come on down to the Mount

Where them olives grow up on Zion’s hill

And you see some corpses; you don’t have to worry,

George Romero ain’t there makin’ zombie films.

Big tunnels keep on leadin’,

Kosher bodies keep on needin’

To be rollin', rollin', rollin' to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

I'm so proud of Pete and how he takes The Devil's music and makes it into something suitable for consumption by good, honest Nasterines. That’s a toe-tapper that’ll be stuck in my head for a while.

לשנה הבאה בירושלים, 

Rock Doc T

Tuttle "Raps" with the "Kiddos"

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

As hard as this might be to believe, there have been times where I, your own beloved Dr. Tuttle, have been accused of not being able to relate well to the “youths.” But, I assure you, I’m “down” with the latest cultural trends, so I’d like to take a moment to “rap” with my “homeboys” and “homegirls” regarding the 4-1-1 (or “happy-haps”) on all the “funky fresh” activities available for you on our District!

May 5^th—Our Delhi Church, a bastion of diversity with two separate Hispanic families (my guess is it has something to do with the name) will be hosting a Cinco de Mayo block party! For the younger kids, we’ll have piñatas stuffed to the brim with tracts from Jack T. Chick, and for the older kids, my understanding is that some local high school children will be making cervezas available in the back alley behind the church. My Spanish is a little rusty, so I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds like a hoot and a half!

May 13^th—Felt Church of the Nasterine is having a Youth Lock-In sponsored by their senior adult Sunday School class. These young-at-heart, courageous souls will be kicking things off at noon with a potluck luncheon and keep the party going until the wee hours of the morning—10 pm! Activities will include canasta and shuffleboard tournaments, as well as a rousing game of Find the Dentures!

May 24^th—Griggs Church of the Nasterine has a thrilling event planned sure to get those kids' toes tapping! They will be hosting a concert featuring the musical stylings of Carman, 10 of the 23 former members of Petra, and one half of Mary Mary! The concert will begin at 2:30 pm (after all of the performers are done with their afternoon naps, of course) and will end promptly at 5:30 pm so the performers can eat their dinners and be back to their hotel rooms in time for their 7:30 bedtimes. Assuming no one winds up with a tear in their colostomy bag, I smell a good time for all!

May 30^th—Like a lot of “youths” who are going through the horrors of puberty, you probably have hair in strange new places and a lot of urges you don’t fully understand. Buffalo Church of the Nasterine is here to help you understand that not only are those new urges wicked and sinful, they also can give you all kinds of diseases, up to and including pregnancy. That’s why they are hosting an abstinence-only education night in partnership with the local school board. Remember kids—good Nasterines wait until marriage, and the really good ones don’t turn the lights on even then. The less you know the better.

There you have it! All the “dope” new activities you can shake a stick at! I know the kids today are confused by the internet, rap music, and all the things to keep up with regarding Kardashians, but here in the Church of the Nasterine, you don’t need to worry about anything happening in pop culture: you can party like it’s 1959!

Word to your mother,

Rock Doc T

Papa Was a Rolling Stone...

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

As I’m sure most of you have heard by now, our Texhoma church has (against my better judgment, mind you) called a new pastor, Gay Deathrage. Gay has pastored several different churches, from Portland to San Francisco (only part of my objections), but grew up in (and comes to our district from) Western Kansas. I have it on good authority that she is liberal as the day is long, is more than willing to pretend to speak in tongues for her own personal benefit, and she believes in evolution, non-literal interpretations of Scripture, and I once personally saw her measure out a medication in milliliters. I have no proof of this next claim, so make of it what you will, but she has personally threatened your very own DS with information I’d rather keep private. So, rather than allow her to blackmail me, I’ve decided to fill you all in on family secrets some of you already know.

Obviously, as I am John F. Tuttle, Jr., my father is John F. Tuttle, Sr. Some of you already know the sordid past associated with that name, but, for those of you who don’t, some background on my father. He graduated from the Home Course of Study, and holds an honorary degree from Mid-America Nasterine University of Religious Education. He and my poor, sainted mother Perky Ann Devoted were married for over 37 years, pastoring 35 different churches. He also served as a professor at our Nasterine Bible College and Welding School in Gallipolis, Ohio, and as D.S. of the Baja District in Southern California and the N.W. Panhandle District in Texas. His last assignment was as D.S. of the Western Kansas District.

It was while serving as D.S. on the Western Kansas District that my father sullied the good name of Tuttle forever and drove my poor mother Perky to drown her sorrows in the hard stuff—candy cigarettes and extra-sweet tea. She gained 30 pounds in the first year alone. My father embezzled money from the district’s account and ran off with his secretary. I’ve long since forgotten her name, so I’ll simply refer to her as Jezebel McGolddigger. Nothing could be proven, of course, so no charges were filed.  I haven’t had any contact with my father since. One year I was foolish enough to open the annual Christmas card I receive from Dr. Liar and Jezebel before throwing it away, and found out that they were living comfortably in Boca Raton off his ill-gotten gains. He even had the audacity to join the Mess-of-thist Church so he could weasel more money out of their pension plan. Below is the photo that card included.

                                                          

So now you all know my family’s secret shame. Miss Deathrage was on my father’s district at the time as a youngster in the Ness City First Church’s youth group, and therefore had a front-row seat to my father’s downfall. But, I’ve done nothing wrong. And, despite my father’s obvious shortcomings, he was a brilliant man who taught me a lot about how to look down on others and feel morally superior to everyone, and those are lessons that have guided me well through the time since his own personal moral ineptitude was made public. I will continue to remain an unimpeachable and unassailable paragon of moral uprightness, despite the efforts of Sister Deathrage.

Always willing to cast the first stone,

Rock Doc T

Science By the Book

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve been fascinated as to why some people who are supposedly very smart could be stupid enough to believe in a world where people could evolve from monkeys like some sort of reverse Planet of the Apes. And, ever since I was awarded an honorary doctorate in Geology from the now sadly-defunct Trump University (though I am being told that honorary degrees are still being honored), I feel qualified to speak on the subject.

That is why I am happy to announce that your very own Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr., partnering with dozens of qualified Nasterines (and a few Mess-of-thists and West-keyans who have been heavily vetted, as well as one token Baptist for diversity’s sake) has created a new science textbook being offered to schools everywhere soon through Nasterine Publishing House:

SCIENCE BY THE BOOK:

Scientific Education Guided by Biblical Principles

From Evolution to dinosaurs, vaccines to miracles, the heliocentric universe to the metric system, this book covers them all and debunks all of the “facts” that you’ve heard as part of the liberal agenda. Instead, this book focuses on hard science facts of Scriptures, including:

Chapter 1: The Firmament and the Light of the Moon—Why Astronomy is Lying to You

Chapter 5: God Runs Sprints, Not Marathons—Why Evolution is Too Slow for God

Chapter 11: Miracles—God’s Answer to Every Difficult Question

Chapter 14: Plagues—Why You Should Always Assume God Means Business

Chapter 27: Using Scripture to Simplify Mathematics—Why π is exactly 3 according to 1 Kings 7

Chapter 44: Vaccines—Regardless of Autism, Not Part of God’s Design

Chapter 48: Homosexuality—It Only Occurs in Nature Because Nature is Fallen

Don’t worry about having to think for yourself—we’ll tell what you need to believe to go to heaven, and if your agnostic nephew with the piercings and tattoos tells you it doesn’t make rational sense, just sing hymns at him until he goes away!

These books will be replacing non-Bible based science textbooks all across the state soon, with votes pending in other districts. But, if the votes don’t go our way, don’t worry—Oklahoma’s elected officials aren’t bound by silly things like what their constituents actually vote for: they can just pretend that the people didn’t understand and do whatever they want!

Following God’s will even when it’s contradictory,

Rock Doc T

Rules to Live Your Life By

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Dr. John F. Tuttle Jr. here, and at this special time of year, I’d like to share with all of you a quick list of changes I’d like to see immediately implemented at all churches on the Far Right Oklahoma District, for the sake of our fellowship and the kingdom:

1. I would like to see us be more welcoming and hospitable to people who look less like us: minorities, unwed teenage mothers, and especially the LGBTQ+ community.
2. Our understanding of Scripture has become far too fundamentalist and literal. I would like us to instead start thinking of Scripture as a living, breathing document that require careful exegesis and interpretation to understand how it might speak to our lives today. 
3. Speaking to both of the first two points, I would like to see us make a more concerted effort to partner with fellowships of different denominational backgrounds in our respective communities. After all, if we are supposed to be one body of Christ, shouldn’t we start acting like it and work together instead of seeing each other as competition? 
4. We as a denomination take the role of woman in ministry seriously and therefore should strive to maintain the dignity of and respect for our female colleagues in ministry as fellow sisters in Christ and fully qualified ministers of the gospel, and therefore I do not want to hear ANYONE say anything negative about the role of women in the Church or Society as a whole.
5. Shame is an ugly part of our fellowships, and it needs to stop. We are sinners saved by grace. Act like it.
6. Politics that use fear to ostracize and alienate people just because they seem different are antithetical to the Gospel message. Christ constantly called those on the margins inside instead of leaving them on the outside looking in. There’s room at the table for everyone. 
7. Church is about a way of life and sharing fellowship with one another, so let’s stop worrying about all the silly bean counting we do to try and reassure ourselves that it’s working. So please, stop keeping track of and measuring yourselves by attendance, how many people have joined the church, how many you’ve lead to Christ, and how many baptisms you’ve performed. Instead, focus on the work of the kingdom and trust God to provide. 
8. Violence has no place in the kingdom of God. If we are truly longing for the hastening of the day when God will beat swords into plowshares and spears into pruning hooks, why are we carrying guns into our houses of worship? If you have one, you probably don’t need it on Sunday, and thinking you do speaks a lot louder than any words ever could. 
9. Theologically speaking, the Church of the Nasterine allows for a wide variance of belief with our theology, so please, stop fighting with one another about whether the earth is 6,000 years old and was created fully formed or whether an intelligent creator chose to work through the process of evolution to allow life to blossom and bloom into a form capable of responding to his love and goodness, and stop arguing about whether the future is determined, we have free will based on God’s knowledge of us, or the future is open to allow for genuine creational participation with God in shaping it. Those things, while important to us as individuals, matter much less on a larger scale, as long as we agree to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly together. 
10. Finally, we need to make more of an effort to look like Christ, a man who broke bread with sinners, condemned hypocrites, and invited outsiders in.

APRIL FOOLS,

Rock Doc T.