Science By the Book

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve been fascinated as to why some people who are supposedly very smart could be stupid enough to believe in a world where people could evolve from monkeys like some sort of reverse Planet of the Apes. And, ever since I was awarded an honorary doctorate in Geology from the now sadly-defunct Trump University (though I am being told that honorary degrees are still being honored), I feel qualified to speak on the subject.

That is why I am happy to announce that your very own Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr., partnering with dozens of qualified Nasterines (and a few Mess-of-thists and West-keyans who have been heavily vetted, as well as one token Baptist for diversity’s sake) has created a new science textbook being offered to schools everywhere soon through Nasterine Publishing House:

SCIENCE BY THE BOOK:

Scientific Education Guided by Biblical Principles

From Evolution to dinosaurs, vaccines to miracles, the heliocentric universe to the metric system, this book covers them all and debunks all of the “facts” that you’ve heard as part of the liberal agenda. Instead, this book focuses on hard science facts of Scriptures, including:

Chapter 1: The Firmament and the Light of the Moon—Why Astronomy is Lying to You

Chapter 5: God Runs Sprints, Not Marathons—Why Evolution is Too Slow for God

Chapter 11: Miracles—God’s Answer to Every Difficult Question

Chapter 14: Plagues—Why You Should Always Assume God Means Business

Chapter 27: Using Scripture to Simplify Mathematics—Why π is exactly 3 according to 1 Kings 7

Chapter 44: Vaccines—Regardless of Autism, Not Part of God’s Design

Chapter 48: Homosexuality—It Only Occurs in Nature Because Nature is Fallen

Don’t worry about having to think for yourself—we’ll tell what you need to believe to go to heaven, and if your agnostic nephew with the piercings and tattoos tells you it doesn’t make rational sense, just sing hymns at him until he goes away!

These books will be replacing non-Bible based science textbooks all across the state soon, with votes pending in other districts. But, if the votes don’t go our way, don’t worry—Oklahoma’s elected officials aren’t bound by silly things like what their constituents actually vote for: they can just pretend that the people didn’t understand and do whatever they want!

Following God’s will even when it’s contradictory,

Rock Doc T