(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle,
Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
As hard as this might be to believe, there have been times where I, your own beloved Dr. Tuttle, have been
accused of not being able to relate well to the “youths.” But, I assure you, I’m
“down” with the latest cultural trends, so I’d like to take a moment to “rap”
with my “homeboys” and “homegirls” regarding the 4-1-1 (or “happy-haps”) on all
the “funky fresh” activities available for you on our District!
May 5th—Our Delhi Church, a
bastion of diversity with two separate Hispanic families (my guess is
it has something to do with the name) will be hosting a Cinco de Mayo block
party! For the younger kids, we’ll have piñatas
stuffed to the brim with tracts from Jack T. Chick, and for the older kids, my
understanding is that some local high school children will be making cervezas available in the back alley
behind the church. My Spanish is a little rusty, so I’m not sure what that
means, but it sounds like a hoot and a half!
May 13th—Felt Church of the Nasterine
is having a Youth Lock-In sponsored by their senior adult Sunday School class.
These young-at-heart, courageous souls will be kicking things off at noon with
a potluck luncheon and keep the party going until the wee hours of the morning—10
pm! Activities will include canasta and shuffleboard tournaments, as well as a
rousing game of Find the Dentures!
May 24th—Griggs Church of the
Nasterine has a thrilling event planned sure to get those kids' toes tapping!
They will be hosting a concert featuring the musical stylings of Carman, 10 of
the 23 former members of Petra, and one half of Mary Mary! The concert will
begin at 2:30 pm (after all of the performers are done with their afternoon naps,
of course) and will end promptly at 5:30 pm so the performers can eat their
dinners and be back to their hotel rooms in time for their 7:30 bedtimes.
Assuming no one winds up with a tear in their colostomy bag, I smell a good
time for all!
May 30th—Like a lot of “youths”
who are going through the horrors of puberty, you probably have hair in strange
new places and a lot of urges you don’t fully understand. Buffalo Church of the
Nasterine is here to help you understand that not only are those new urges wicked and sinful, they also can give you
all kinds of diseases, up to and including pregnancy. That’s why they are hosting
an abstinence-only education night in partnership with the local school board.
Remember kids—good Nasterines wait until marriage, and the really good ones don’t
turn the lights on even then. The less you know the better.
There you have it! All
the “dope” new activities you can shake a stick at! I know the kids today are
confused by the internet, rap music, and all the things to keep up with
regarding Kardashians, but here in the Church of the Nasterine, you don’t need
to worry about anything happening in pop culture: you can party like it’s 1959!
Word to your mother,
Rock Doc T
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