Papa Was a Rolling Stone...

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

As I’m sure most of you have heard by now, our Texhoma church has (against my better judgment, mind you) called a new pastor, Gay Deathrage. Gay has pastored several different churches, from Portland to San Francisco (only part of my objections), but grew up in (and comes to our district from) Western Kansas. I have it on good authority that she is liberal as the day is long, is more than willing to pretend to speak in tongues for her own personal benefit, and she believes in evolution, non-literal interpretations of Scripture, and I once personally saw her measure out a medication in milliliters. I have no proof of this next claim, so make of it what you will, but she has personally threatened your very own DS with information I’d rather keep private. So, rather than allow her to blackmail me, I’ve decided to fill you all in on family secrets some of you already know.

Obviously, as I am John F. Tuttle, Jr., my father is John F. Tuttle, Sr. Some of you already know the sordid past associated with that name, but, for those of you who don’t, some background on my father. He graduated from the Home Course of Study, and holds an honorary degree from Mid-America Nasterine University of Religious Education. He and my poor, sainted mother Perky Ann Devoted were married for over 37 years, pastoring 35 different churches. He also served as a professor at our Nasterine Bible College and Welding School in Gallipolis, Ohio, and as D.S. of the Baja District in Southern California and the N.W. Panhandle District in Texas. His last assignment was as D.S. of the Western Kansas District.

It was while serving as D.S. on the Western Kansas District that my father sullied the good name of Tuttle forever and drove my poor mother Perky to drown her sorrows in the hard stuff—candy cigarettes and extra-sweet tea. She gained 30 pounds in the first year alone. My father embezzled money from the district’s account and ran off with his secretary. I’ve long since forgotten her name, so I’ll simply refer to her as Jezebel McGolddigger. Nothing could be proven, of course, so no charges were filed.  I haven’t had any contact with my father since. One year I was foolish enough to open the annual Christmas card I receive from Dr. Liar and Jezebel before throwing it away, and found out that they were living comfortably in Boca Raton off his ill-gotten gains. He even had the audacity to join the Mess-of-thist Church so he could weasel more money out of their pension plan. Below is the photo that card included.

                                                          

So now you all know my family’s secret shame. Miss Deathrage was on my father’s district at the time as a youngster in the Ness City First Church’s youth group, and therefore had a front-row seat to my father’s downfall. But, I’ve done nothing wrong. And, despite my father’s obvious shortcomings, he was a brilliant man who taught me a lot about how to look down on others and feel morally superior to everyone, and those are lessons that have guided me well through the time since his own personal moral ineptitude was made public. I will continue to remain an unimpeachable and unassailable paragon of moral uprightness, despite the efforts of Sister Deathrage.

Always willing to cast the first stone,

Rock Doc T