Special Little Snowflakes

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Greetings again from your DS, The Right Rev. Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr. In this newest addition of our newsletter, I’d like to talk to you about something special on my heart: young, liberal Millennials infiltrating our denomination and ruining everything. These 20-somethings and early-30-somethings are lazy, entitled moochers who just need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and work a little harder instead of watching movies and trying to give everything we’ve worked so hard for to women and minorities.

After all, when we were going to college, riding the coattails of the Greatest Generation, we worked part-time, enjoyed ourselves, and graduated with little-to-no debt. Things were hard, but we managed. But now, all these Millennials do is complain: “The value of college continues to dwindle while the cost continues to rise!” “Everywhere I want to work only pays in experience!” “Your generation’s economic policies of tax-breaks to the rich have created a no-win system for the middle and lower class!” and on and on. I mean, these Millennials talk like we’re the ones who raised them with participation trophies and hopes and dreams of being able to do whatever you want to do and still be successful!

That is why I’m proud to pass on this advertisement to you from Nasterine Publishing House (or The Nasty Pub, as they are also known):

Are all the people who aren’t just like you trying to make you feel bad about yourself? Do you wish you could just ignore them and pretend that your problems are objectively just as important as theirs? Were you born before 1965? If you answered “Yes!” to any of these questions, you’ll probably be interested in our newest product, Privilege Blinders!

            PRIVILEGE

   BLINDERS!

          6 easy payments of

               only $19.99!

We at Nasterine Publishing House are sensitive to your needs. It’s hard work listening to other people's problems as they make wild and crazy assumptions about how they have it harder than you do! For only six easy payments of $19.99, just put these on, and you can ignore all the poor, non-white, non-male people as they struggle to gain respect that you have automatically. Order now and you’ll get a second set absolutely free! We here at The Nasty Pub care about you, so long as "you" are an upper middle-class white male.

To order now, call 1-878-677-8721. That’s 1-TRUMP’S USA #1! Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. Irony-canceling headphones sold separately.

What a wonderful product! I’ve ordered 10 for myself, Truella, and the children, lest we be poorly influenced by having to see people less affluent than ourselves. I especially enjoyed their slogan, “Privilege Blinders: Because it’s not sin if you can’t see Lazarus lying at your gate.” And, as a special cross-promotion, I’ll be offering a 3% break in yearly budgets to all churches that order at least 10. We can’t force Millennials to leave our churches, but we can ignore them until they do!

Sincerely asking that you get off my lawn,

Rock Doc T.