Republican Jesus (No, Not Ronald Reagan. The Other Guy.)

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Friends, I’m loathe to talk about politics, but there are some things I need to get off my chest. Now, before I start, I know what you’re thinking: “Dr. Tuttle, we are a district of a wide spectrum of political views, from Moderately Conservative to Extremely Conservative. Any discussion of politics is only going to sow strife and discord!” But don’t worry…furthering the tension that divides our houses of worship is the furthest thing from my mind. I don’t want us to argue about whether abortion should be illegal or punishable by death, or whether homosexuality is an atrocious sin or should be punishable by death, or even whether reading too many books is a bad idea or should be punishable by death. We Nasterines allow for a wide variety of opinions all along the conservative spectrum.

With all that said, I am thrilled with the work that God is doing through President Trump. He’s strengthening our economy by insuring that the old and sick die sooner and stop being a drain on our resources. He’s subsidizing our corporations to ensure that we don’t wander off the path of capitalism and wind up on the slippery slope of liberalism that slides from un-Americanism to socialism to atheism to communism. He’s working to eliminate the arts that lead to confusing things like passion and broader worldviews. He’s working to dispel liberal myths like the need for vaccines, stewardship of our natural resources, and the metric system. And, he takes almost as many vacations as a Nasterine District Superintendent!

With all that said, President Trump isn’t perfect. He’s been divorced more than once (which is where we draw the line around here), his military spending increases are a bit too modest in my humble opinion, and he hangs out with Hollywood phonies like Jerry Falwell, Jr., Kenneth Copeland, and James Dobson. But, surely the Lord Almighty is capable of speaking through imperfect vessels, from Nebuchadnezzar all the way down to Ray Boltz. We can’t expect our president to be a morally perfect paragon. We just need him to fight for the people that God treasures most: middle-class white men and poor, defenseless multi-national conglomerates.

And, as we know, Scripture clearly teaches that material wealth is a sign of God’s blessings upon our lives. Job lost everything and had his fortune restored only once: surely a man like Donald Trump, who has had his fortunes restored after six different bankruptcies is six times as holy! So, I think we can excuse the negative comments and actions against women, Latinos, the handicapped, the elderly, the poor, immigrants, and most non-American countries in the so-called “civilized” world. Even King David went through a homicidal and adulterous rough patch. The point is, Trump has found true religion now, and it is every God-fearing Nasterine’s privilege DUTY to support him just as fervently as we lavished support upon President Obama.

Making Western Oklahoma Great Again,

Rock Doc T