(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle,
Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
Truly and I sure do
love our morning cup of coffee. There’s something wonderful about getting up
early for a long day of judging and criticizing that starts with a hot cup of
joe. That’s why I’m so excited about this new advertisement from The Nasty Pub:
God continues to reveal
himself in further and more magnificent ways. In the days of the Patriarchs,
God moved with Abraham and sought to bless him as a great nation. Then, God
revealed himself further with a name and guidance for holy living and practices
at Sinai. Then, God revealed himself as Trinity in the New Testament: Father,
Son, and Holy Spirit. But, with branding what it is and the continued addition
of coffee bars to our churches nationwide, we at the Nasterine Publishing House
have heard the voice of God moving and have responded with a new publication:
Rebranding the Third Member
of the Godhead: Father, Son, and Holy Beans
“How coffee has replaced the Holy
Spirit in the life of the Church”
By celebrated author
Harry Tick, well known for his many previous books, including FIRST! An
Internet Troll’s Guide to The Arian Controversy, Filioque: Why the East
and the West Aren’t Fighting about Horses and Trees, Docetism: Why You
Can’t Hug God, and Pelagianism: Because Original Sin is Depressing and
You Like Yourself, this new book explores what has already become a reality
in many churches: the Holy Spirit is out, and Sumatra Dark Roast is in. Coffee
flows more freely in our churches than the Spirit moves, so why not embrace
this new reality by canonizing it? In this book, Rev. Tick explores the history
of the movement of the Spirit, from the early church at Pentecost all the way
up to *sigh* Charismatic traditions like the Pentecostals. But don’t worry
about speaking in tongues! You’ll be too busy enjoying our new line of cross-promotional
coffee flavors:
The Way, The Truth, and the
Light Roast:
Coffee for the Christian who
needs to feel things again
That’s right! Who needs
to be empowered by the Spirit when you have our favorite drug, caffeine? Try
all 8 of our different blends*:
- Arabian Nights (certified Muslim-Free!)
- Epiphany & Revelation (both extra-caffeinated!)
- Freedom Vanilla
- Pentacosta Rican
- Damascus Road (so good, you’ll see God or money back—guaranteed!)
- Bel and the Dragon Blend
- Ethiopian Eunuch (for you caffeine-free nutjobs!)
How much would you expect to pay
for such delicious coffee and such a rich theological exploration that will convince
your friends you’re smarter than you look? Normally, this book costs almost $50
($49.99, plus praying + judging), and these exquisite designer coffees usually
go for $30 a half pound. But, if you act now, you can get the book and a full
pound bag of each of these wonderful coffees for the low, low price of only $199.99:
you can’t beat a deal like that! Act now, and we’ll throw in a copy of Harry
Tick’s complete collected works for only another $50! Order in bulk to stock
your church’s coffee bar and you’ll be the envy of every LifeChurch in town.
*All our coffees are fair-trade,
but we do force the growers to convert before we’ll do business with them.
How wonderful. Order
yours today, so I’ll see it the next time I stop by your church to make you
nervous see how things are going. Until then, keep getting high on God!
Your friendly
neighborhood caffeine junkie,
Rock Doc T
No comments:
Post a Comment