(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle,
Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
District Assembly is
just a few months away, and that means it’s a beloved time of year for myself
and those on the District Advisory Board: time for ordination candidates to be
dragged to a centralized church for mostly meaningless interviews so we can
announce our list of ordinands that we decided on months ago! We have a
wonderful batch of five candidates this year, and even though it’s unlikely that
they’ll change our minds from the preconceived notions we had before their
interview, I’d like to introduce you to them and offer them helpful hints,
because tradition is important to us: no sense sawing through the branch you’re
sitting on.
Karlie & Bart Bonhoeffer have been at Wheeless Church
of the Nasterine for almost four years now, which is three and a half years
longer than any of the bets guesses at the District Pool had as likely for
a female to stay in Wheeless as a senior pastor. Karlie’s husband Bart is a
stay-at-home dad who takes care of their daughters Krystilinn and Gynifur. In
case any of you were on the fence about Karlie’s qualifications, she grew up in
Portland, Oregon. Need I say more?
Chase Funkhauser (who is single, strike one) studied
philosophy alongside theology in his undergrad (strike two) and has been
serving as our interim pastor at Balko Church of the Nasterine where we have so
far received zero complaints about the job he is doing from the pastor of the
Apostolic Faith Church (strike three). It’s unlikely we’ll ever ordain Chase on
our district, but we’re happy to string him along for a few more years and underpay
him for the work that he’s doing. It may not be the best thing for Chase, but
it’s the cheapest thing for the District, and isn’t that what matters in the
long run: saving the kingdom money?
Steve and Gillie Hannigan have been serving as senior pastor
and children’s pastor at Beaver Church of the Nasterine, and I must say that
their puppet ministry is one of the most delightful things to come out of this
district since the founding of our annual tradition of target practice with
Satanic music like KISS and Pat Boone! Their puppets are what Sesame Street
should be: clean, wholesome fun with no liberal agenda. I would say that these
two are the only candidates who even have a prayer of making it through the
process this year.
Benny Rooster is a faith healer and evangelist who travels
throughout our region. He and his wife Susan attend our Buffalo church when
they are not traveling, and he has been seeking ordination in our denomination
for several years despite our repeatedly informing him that we are not
Charismatic. But, whether it comes to advice from the District Advisory Board
or desperate pleas from the man in the wheelchair who really can’t just stand
up, Benny has never been great at listening.
And now, some useful
advice for the candidates. *DING*
Oh, drat! That sound means we’re out of time. I guess the advice for our
potential ordinands will have to wait until after
the interview when it is no longer useful.
Ordination is a
privilege, not a right,
Rock Doc T
No comments:
Post a Comment