Bless Us Father, For We Have Misfired

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Greetings again, holy rollers, from the one and only J.F.T., and thanks to all of you who are continuing to faithfully meet your giving allotments. Your dedication and hard work have made it possible for us to continue dilligently serving the kingdom in Western Oklahoma and to install a new espresso machine at the district office. If things continue to trend upwards (and when have finances ever done otherwise?), we may be adding that steam room sooner than expected.

I’d like to make you aware of some events coming up on the District Calendar:

April 9^th—join us at Tyrone Church of the Nasterine for our annual blessing of the firearms. Whether you’re worried about your Beretta backfiring, or you think that the Holy Spirit might be able to help you squeeze one more bullet into the magazine of your assault rifle, be sure not to miss this sacred event! Last year I understand we were able to bless over 150 guns for more than 20 people, and I’m hoping the turnout will be even larger this year. From hunting deer to stopping intruders, a blessing will ensure that your gun does metaphysical as well as physical damage.

April 15^th—A vacant lot has recently opened up in the town of Lookout, OK, and Monte Diamondback, the new pastor of the Lookout Church of the Nasterine, has asked me to gather volunteers to help them picket the empty lot with anti-abortion signs. There are currently no plans to build an abortion clinic on the site of the vacant lot, but one can never be too careful when it comes to liberals and their “agenda.”

April 21^st-23^rd—Truly is hosting one of her famous Women’s Retreats at Sweetwater Church of the Nasterine. There will be brunch, various workshops including a look at Betty Less’ new Bible Study on Song of Solomon, where you’ll learn how to get him to “pasture his flock among your lilies,” Josie Oscar-Meyers’ new series of devotionals on the Prayer of Jabez, about how sending her money will bless you so you can bless others, times for worship and fellowship, and plenty of juicy prayer requests. Fun for ladies of all ages!

April 27^th—The world is constantly changing, and if we don’t keep up with the times, we’ll be left behind. That’s why Strong City Church of the Nasterine will be hosting a get-together for like-minded individuals to have a deep, meaningful discussion about the nature of sin and compile an exhaustive list of all the ways we aren’t allowed to have fun. This list will be studied by a district-appointed sub-committee who will examine the activities in question for moral fiber and likelihood of temptation and then make the list available for the general public.

Also, don’t forget that we are still accepting donations for our annual summer charitable drive for coats for the homeless in Albuquerque, New Mexico and tank tops and shorts for the homeless in Fairbanks, Alaska. These are wonderful ministries that help tens of people.

Give ‘til it hurts then consider giving more,

Rock Doc T