Or-Danged If You Do, Or-Danged If You Don't

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

District Assembly is just a few months away, and that means it’s a beloved time of year for myself and those on the District Advisory Board: time for ordination candidates to be dragged to a centralized church for mostly meaningless interviews so we can announce our list of ordinands that we decided on months ago! We have a wonderful batch of five candidates this year, and even though it’s unlikely that they’ll change our minds from the preconceived notions we had before their interview, I’d like to introduce you to them and offer them helpful hints, because tradition is important to us: no sense sawing through the branch you’re sitting on.

Karlie & Bart Bonhoeffer have been at Wheeless Church of the Nasterine for almost four years now, which is three and a half years longer than any of the bets guesses at the District Pool had as likely for a female to stay in Wheeless as a senior pastor. Karlie’s husband Bart is a stay-at-home dad who takes care of their daughters Krystilinn and Gynifur. In case any of you were on the fence about Karlie’s qualifications, she grew up in Portland, Oregon. Need I say more?

Chase Funkhauser (who is single, strike one) studied philosophy alongside theology in his undergrad (strike two) and has been serving as our interim pastor at Balko Church of the Nasterine where we have so far received zero complaints about the job he is doing from the pastor of the Apostolic Faith Church (strike three). It’s unlikely we’ll ever ordain Chase on our district, but we’re happy to string him along for a few more years and underpay him for the work that he’s doing. It may not be the best thing for Chase, but it’s the cheapest thing for the District, and isn’t that what matters in the long run: saving the kingdom money?

Steve and Gillie Hannigan have been serving as senior pastor and children’s pastor at Beaver Church of the Nasterine, and I must say that their puppet ministry is one of the most delightful things to come out of this district since the founding of our annual tradition of target practice with Satanic music like KISS and Pat Boone! Their puppets are what Sesame Street should be: clean, wholesome fun with no liberal agenda. I would say that these two are the only candidates who even have a prayer of making it through the process this year.

Benny Rooster is a faith healer and evangelist who travels throughout our region. He and his wife Susan attend our Buffalo church when they are not traveling, and he has been seeking ordination in our denomination for several years despite our repeatedly informing him that we are not Charismatic. But, whether it comes to advice from the District Advisory Board or desperate pleas from the man in the wheelchair who really can’t just stand up, Benny has never been great at listening.

And now, some useful advice for the candidates. *DING* Oh, drat! That sound means we’re out of time. I guess the advice for our potential ordinands will have to wait until after the interview when it is no longer useful.

Ordination is a privilege, not a right,

Rock Doc T

Bless Us Father, For We Have Misfired

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Greetings again, holy rollers, from the one and only J.F.T., and thanks to all of you who are continuing to faithfully meet your giving allotments. Your dedication and hard work have made it possible for us to continue dilligently serving the kingdom in Western Oklahoma and to install a new espresso machine at the district office. If things continue to trend upwards (and when have finances ever done otherwise?), we may be adding that steam room sooner than expected.

I’d like to make you aware of some events coming up on the District Calendar:

April 9^th—join us at Tyrone Church of the Nasterine for our annual blessing of the firearms. Whether you’re worried about your Beretta backfiring, or you think that the Holy Spirit might be able to help you squeeze one more bullet into the magazine of your assault rifle, be sure not to miss this sacred event! Last year I understand we were able to bless over 150 guns for more than 20 people, and I’m hoping the turnout will be even larger this year. From hunting deer to stopping intruders, a blessing will ensure that your gun does metaphysical as well as physical damage.

April 15^th—A vacant lot has recently opened up in the town of Lookout, OK, and Monte Diamondback, the new pastor of the Lookout Church of the Nasterine, has asked me to gather volunteers to help them picket the empty lot with anti-abortion signs. There are currently no plans to build an abortion clinic on the site of the vacant lot, but one can never be too careful when it comes to liberals and their “agenda.”

April 21^st-23^rd—Truly is hosting one of her famous Women’s Retreats at Sweetwater Church of the Nasterine. There will be brunch, various workshops including a look at Betty Less’ new Bible Study on Song of Solomon, where you’ll learn how to get him to “pasture his flock among your lilies,” Josie Oscar-Meyers’ new series of devotionals on the Prayer of Jabez, about how sending her money will bless you so you can bless others, times for worship and fellowship, and plenty of juicy prayer requests. Fun for ladies of all ages!

April 27^th—The world is constantly changing, and if we don’t keep up with the times, we’ll be left behind. That’s why Strong City Church of the Nasterine will be hosting a get-together for like-minded individuals to have a deep, meaningful discussion about the nature of sin and compile an exhaustive list of all the ways we aren’t allowed to have fun. This list will be studied by a district-appointed sub-committee who will examine the activities in question for moral fiber and likelihood of temptation and then make the list available for the general public.

Also, don’t forget that we are still accepting donations for our annual summer charitable drive for coats for the homeless in Albuquerque, New Mexico and tank tops and shorts for the homeless in Fairbanks, Alaska. These are wonderful ministries that help tens of people.

Give ‘til it hurts then consider giving more,

Rock Doc T

Republican Jesus (No, Not Ronald Reagan. The Other Guy.)

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Friends, I’m loathe to talk about politics, but there are some things I need to get off my chest. Now, before I start, I know what you’re thinking: “Dr. Tuttle, we are a district of a wide spectrum of political views, from Moderately Conservative to Extremely Conservative. Any discussion of politics is only going to sow strife and discord!” But don’t worry…furthering the tension that divides our houses of worship is the furthest thing from my mind. I don’t want us to argue about whether abortion should be illegal or punishable by death, or whether homosexuality is an atrocious sin or should be punishable by death, or even whether reading too many books is a bad idea or should be punishable by death. We Nasterines allow for a wide variety of opinions all along the conservative spectrum.

With all that said, I am thrilled with the work that God is doing through President Trump. He’s strengthening our economy by insuring that the old and sick die sooner and stop being a drain on our resources. He’s subsidizing our corporations to ensure that we don’t wander off the path of capitalism and wind up on the slippery slope of liberalism that slides from un-Americanism to socialism to atheism to communism. He’s working to eliminate the arts that lead to confusing things like passion and broader worldviews. He’s working to dispel liberal myths like the need for vaccines, stewardship of our natural resources, and the metric system. And, he takes almost as many vacations as a Nasterine District Superintendent!

With all that said, President Trump isn’t perfect. He’s been divorced more than once (which is where we draw the line around here), his military spending increases are a bit too modest in my humble opinion, and he hangs out with Hollywood phonies like Jerry Falwell, Jr., Kenneth Copeland, and James Dobson. But, surely the Lord Almighty is capable of speaking through imperfect vessels, from Nebuchadnezzar all the way down to Ray Boltz. We can’t expect our president to be a morally perfect paragon. We just need him to fight for the people that God treasures most: middle-class white men and poor, defenseless multi-national conglomerates.

And, as we know, Scripture clearly teaches that material wealth is a sign of God’s blessings upon our lives. Job lost everything and had his fortune restored only once: surely a man like Donald Trump, who has had his fortunes restored after six different bankruptcies is six times as holy! So, I think we can excuse the negative comments and actions against women, Latinos, the handicapped, the elderly, the poor, immigrants, and most non-American countries in the so-called “civilized” world. Even King David went through a homicidal and adulterous rough patch. The point is, Trump has found true religion now, and it is every God-fearing Nasterine’s privilege DUTY to support him just as fervently as we lavished support upon President Obama.

Making Western Oklahoma Great Again,

Rock Doc T

Because Tea is for Ladies and Brits

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Truly and I sure do love our morning cup of coffee. There’s something wonderful about getting up early for a long day of judging and criticizing that starts with a hot cup of joe. That’s why I’m so excited about this new advertisement from The Nasty Pub:

God continues to reveal himself in further and more magnificent ways. In the days of the Patriarchs, God moved with Abraham and sought to bless him as a great nation. Then, God revealed himself further with a name and guidance for holy living and practices at Sinai. Then, God revealed himself as Trinity in the New Testament: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. But, with branding what it is and the continued addition of coffee bars to our churches nationwide, we at the Nasterine Publishing House have heard the voice of God moving and have responded with a new publication:

Rebranding the Third Member of the Godhead: Father, Son, and Holy Beans

“How coffee has replaced the Holy Spirit in the life of the Church”

By celebrated author Harry Tick, well known for his many previous books, including FIRST! An Internet Troll’s Guide to The Arian Controversy, Filioque: Why the East and the West Aren’t Fighting about Horses and Trees, Docetism: Why You Can’t Hug God, and Pelagianism: Because Original Sin is Depressing and You Like Yourself, this new book explores what has already become a reality in many churches: the Holy Spirit is out, and Sumatra Dark Roast is in. Coffee flows more freely in our churches than the Spirit moves, so why not embrace this new reality by canonizing it? In this book, Rev. Tick explores the history of the movement of the Spirit, from the early church at Pentecost all the way up to *sigh* Charismatic traditions like the Pentecostals. But don’t worry about speaking in tongues! You’ll be too busy enjoying our new line of cross-promotional coffee flavors:

The Way, The Truth, and the Light Roast:

Coffee for the Christian who needs to feel things again

That’s right! Who needs to be empowered by the Spirit when you have our favorite drug, caffeine? Try all 8 of our different blends*:

•  Arabian Nights (certified Muslim-Free!)
• Epiphany & Revelation (both extra-caffeinated!)
• Freedom Vanilla
• Pentacosta Rican
• Damascus Road (so good, you’ll see God or money back—guaranteed!)
• Bel and the Dragon Blend
• Ethiopian Eunuch (for you caffeine-free nutjobs!)

How much would you expect to pay for such delicious coffee and such a rich theological exploration that will convince your friends you’re smarter than you look? Normally, this book costs almost $50 ($49.99, plus praying + judging), and these exquisite designer coffees usually go for $30 a half pound. But, if you act now, you can get the book and a full pound bag of each of these wonderful coffees for the low, low price of only $199.99: you can’t beat a deal like that! Act now, and we’ll throw in a copy of Harry Tick’s complete collected works for only another $50! Order in bulk to stock your church’s coffee bar and you’ll be the envy of every LifeChurch in town.

^{*All our coffees are fair-trade, but we do force the growers to convert before we’ll do business with them.}

How wonderful. Order yours today, so I’ll see it the next time I stop by your church to make you nervous see how things are going. Until then, keep getting high on God!

Your friendly neighborhood caffeine junkie,

Rock Doc T

Shacking Up with Dr. T

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

I find myself beyond disturbed by the trend of good, God-fearing Nasterine pastors being drawn in by the theological inaccuracies of The Shack, originally a book by noted deplorable William P. Young, recently released as a major motion picture starring the Australian who fights Greek gods and the lady who makes pies filled with excrement. I’m especially disappointed in Tim McGraw, who I’ve greatly respected since the release of his hit song about how there’s no sense dying if you haven’t read The Bible.

I’d like to refute the theological inaccuracies of this disgraceful book, but since I would never do anything as sinful as go to the movies or read a book I can’t pick up on the shelf at Lifeway, I’m going to do my best with word of mouth interpretation and second-hand hearsay. My three points that reveal The Shack as flagrant falsehood are as follows: (1) theology should never be based on a book that can’t be understood with a straightforward literal reading and interpretation, (2) while women can be pastors, God is definitely a man, and (3) the kingdom is about saving souls and stomping out sin, not “sharing life together.”

“Theology should never be based on a book that can’t be understood with a straightforward literal reading and interpretation.”

Do you know what I love about The Bible (besides everything)? It is a completely simple and easy to read book. No confusing metaphors or poetic language to trick you, no allegorical stories that have hidden meanings and interpretations, and all written in colloquial, completely understandable and relatable King James English from the 1600s. But no, not The Shack. The Shack wants to confuse you with metaphors and similes and participles that dangle every which way but loose. The Shack uses a lot of flowery language to try and obscure meaning, and as Christians we can never trust any kind of book which has to be interpreted just to be understood.

“While women can be pastors, God is definitely a man.”

I know that we as Nasterines are a lot more *sigh* progressive than some other denominations when it comes to allowing women to be ordained elders. And, until I can successfully lobby enough people to get that changed in the manual, I’m going to continue to pretend to be okay with it. But come on: surely Jehovah Jireh could never be seen to be a woman. God makes war, judges people, and demands that he have everything his way. What on earth could God possibly have in common with the gender that creates life? The gender that is known for nurturing and encouraging? The gender that works twice as hard for half the credit? No, I’m sorry. God is a man, and there’s no possible way you could convince me otherwise.

“The kingdom is about saving souls and stomping out sin, not ‘sharing life together.’”

Finally, I can’t abide with The Shack’s idea that God’s primary desire is for relationship with people. I mean, has William P. Young even read the Great Commission? God wants hard workers, people who treat the Church like a corporation and soul-winning like a sales pitch. We can’t build relationships with sinners before they change everything about their lives to be more like us! What would the church down the street think? How would it be reflected at Assembly? Not in my backyard! If the Church is going to stand out from the world around us, then we have to keep reminding them how sinful they are and how God doesn’t care for it at all. I’ll stick to whitewashing my tombs, thank you very much.

I hope this letter helped to clarify for some of you the dangers inherent in stories like The Shack. Please make sure that if you catch anyone at your church reading it, you gather up the copies and burn them immediately. It’s what Jesus would want us to do.

Praying for poor, literate sinners,

Rock Doc T.

Special Little Snowflakes

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Greetings again from your DS, The Right Rev. Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr. In this newest addition of our newsletter, I’d like to talk to you about something special on my heart: young, liberal Millennials infiltrating our denomination and ruining everything. These 20-somethings and early-30-somethings are lazy, entitled moochers who just need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and work a little harder instead of watching movies and trying to give everything we’ve worked so hard for to women and minorities.

After all, when we were going to college, riding the coattails of the Greatest Generation, we worked part-time, enjoyed ourselves, and graduated with little-to-no debt. Things were hard, but we managed. But now, all these Millennials do is complain: “The value of college continues to dwindle while the cost continues to rise!” “Everywhere I want to work only pays in experience!” “Your generation’s economic policies of tax-breaks to the rich have created a no-win system for the middle and lower class!” and on and on. I mean, these Millennials talk like we’re the ones who raised them with participation trophies and hopes and dreams of being able to do whatever you want to do and still be successful!

That is why I’m proud to pass on this advertisement to you from Nasterine Publishing House (or The Nasty Pub, as they are also known):

Are all the people who aren’t just like you trying to make you feel bad about yourself? Do you wish you could just ignore them and pretend that your problems are objectively just as important as theirs? Were you born before 1965? If you answered “Yes!” to any of these questions, you’ll probably be interested in our newest product, Privilege Blinders!

            PRIVILEGE

   BLINDERS!

          6 easy payments of

               only $19.99!

We at Nasterine Publishing House are sensitive to your needs. It’s hard work listening to other people's problems as they make wild and crazy assumptions about how they have it harder than you do! For only six easy payments of $19.99, just put these on, and you can ignore all the poor, non-white, non-male people as they struggle to gain respect that you have automatically. Order now and you’ll get a second set absolutely free! We here at The Nasty Pub care about you, so long as "you" are an upper middle-class white male.

To order now, call 1-878-677-8721. That’s 1-TRUMP’S USA #1! Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. Irony-canceling headphones sold separately.

What a wonderful product! I’ve ordered 10 for myself, Truella, and the children, lest we be poorly influenced by having to see people less affluent than ourselves. I especially enjoyed their slogan, “Privilege Blinders: Because it’s not sin if you can’t see Lazarus lying at your gate.” And, as a special cross-promotion, I’ll be offering a 3% break in yearly budgets to all churches that order at least 10. We can’t force Millennials to leave our churches, but we can ignore them until they do!

Sincerely asking that you get off my lawn,

Rock Doc T.

Hi! My Name is...

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Allow me to extend my warmest salutations and introduce myself to you as your newest DS on the Far Right District, and I must say, I commend you on your recent name change from the "Far Left" District, even though you find yourself geographically located in Oklahoma's panhandle. Far better for the people to potentially be confused about our geographical location than for there to be any possibility that they might think we're liberals. After all, isn't that why God made maps?

My wife Truella and I are pleased as punch to be joining you on this district, which boasts 39 churches and in excess of 120 members! I'll begin by sharing with you a little bit about my background. In the past 13 years I've pastored 22 churches, brought in over 3,000 new members (12 of which were new Christians), and done great and marvelous things to further the ministry of the kingdom. The latest exciting development in my life was that I was awarded an honorary doctorate in Geology for my work in advancing the teaching of Young Earth Creationism, convincing four different Oklahoma school districts to abolish the teaching of evolution, chemistry, and any mention of the metric system.

Truella (or Truly, as she is more affectionately known) was born Truella Brassiere, great-great-great-great-great-great grandniece (twice-removed) of Philemon F. Brassiere, the cornerstone of our glorious denomination. She comes from a long line of pastor's daughters and wives (and one odd great-aunt who actually felt called to be a minister herself), and is a wonderful organizer of women's events, quilting bees, and luncheons full of long and detailed prayer requests for poor, unfortunate sinners. Ever since attending Bethel Nasterine University and finishing in two and a half years with her MRS degree, she's been a wonderful pastor's wife and mother to our three sons and five daughters.

Our oldest son, John III, is pastoring a Nasterine Church in Minnesota, our two oldest daughters, Truellest and Trueller, are at Bethel Nasterine University working on their MRS degrees (with an REV focus), and our youngest son, John IV, has just recently felt the stirrings of a call to vocational ministry at the tender age of only 3. Truly has, I'm sure, told me what's been going on with the other four children lately, but I seem to have forgotten. Oh, well.

On to some news on the district: welcome to our newest pastors on the district, Ned & Shirley Swizzlestick, who have finally been accepted by the Burns Flat Church after the extreme vetting process revealed that Liberal was the town they moved from in Kansas and not a description of their character. We are still looking for pastors for our churches in Texhoma, Catesby, Delhi, Laverne, Sweetwater, Beaver, Freedom, Lookout, Strong City, and Balko, which has been an especially difficult church to fill due to protests from the local pastor of the Apostolic Faith Church on the grounds that our church has far too much enjoying of life and far too little guilt. Congratulations to the Buffalo, Floris, Eva, Turpin, Hardesty, Felt, Wheeless, Griggs, and Tyrone churches for meeting their budgets this year and bringing in a combined total of 70 new members, one and a half of which were new Christians! Hopefully the rest of you can try a little harder…

If there is anything Truly or myself can do to take care of our churches, please don’t hesitate to let us know. We’ll be stopping by all the churches at least once soon, churches we like more than once, and churches we’re worried about on a monthly basis. I’m always available during office hours (10am-12pm, Wednesday and Thursday), but usually on the golf course, or, on particularly nice or warm days, lounging by my pool in a speedo.

Peace and Blessings,

Rock Doc T.