Are There No Prisons?

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Fighting through the Annual Spring Freeze here in Oklahoma it’s Rock Doc T, here to take you to school! Speaking of schools, our Sunday School teachers for nursery through high school age groups here on The Far Right District have staged a walkout in hopes of getting fresher stale donuts and newer old coffee in rumpus rooms across the region, but luckily so far our Church Boards have done an excellent job of stalling them by calling meetings to session with prayer, a reading of the minutes, and then promptly adjourning after refusing to hear any new business, calling protesting teachers “sinners in the hands of an angry God” (well, disappointed God: the God of the Nasterines would never do anything as unseemly as express an emotion like anger).

Speaking of staunch refusal to bend to progress, listen to reasonable demands, and petty name-calling, I’m counting the days with increasing sadness before I have to worry about whatever sorry administration attempts to fill Mary Fallin’s magnificent shoes. With her sure-handed guidance at the helm for another few years we would have all been living in mansions (or private prisons)! But, even though she’ll be moving on, Governor Fallin’s immortal wisdom lives on in her newly announced book—Are There No Prisons? How to Trickle Your Pockets Full of Sweet, Sweet Oil Money!

In this delightful defense of conservative economics, Mary gives you all her signature tools of the trade for creating a booming recession economy, as well as some new ideas, including building a golden idol of herself as part of her capital building beautification initiative, mocking key demographics that have majority public support, and all sorts of other stellar ideas to give our state the face lift it so desperately needs. Paid for by The Foundation for Modest Proposals in Times of Economic Distress (when times get tough, why not consider eating the poor?), this book was originally going to include a forward by several of our state’s top-notch legislators, but apparently they did nothing during the six-week deadline Mary gave them, asked for a larger fee and were granted an extension, did nothing during their new eight-week deadline, and then after failing to produce any writing whatsoever, congratulated themselves by doubling their going fees.

Decrease the Surplus Population,

Rock Doc T

Building Walls and Shooting Guns for Jesus

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

 
While there have been some concerns, never fear gentle Nasterines—Dr. John F. Tuttle Jr. would never abandon you in your time of need! I’d like to share with you some of the wonderful happenings on the district, but first: a few house-keeping tidbits.

I’d like to remind Pastor Emil Hamilton of our Lookout Church that, while I applaud your initiative and whole-heartedly approve of your objectives, Chaplain for Converting Liberal Nasterines is not a church-sanctioned role, and continuing to submit paperwork for this role during our annual assembly will not increase your ability to withdraw funds from the pension fund in the future.

For those of you wishing to contribute funds to a worthwhile cause, we are continuing to raise money for the founding of Berlin Church of the Nasterine on our humble district, but communications have been spotty in town since Old Man Jenkins erected a fence through the middle of mainstreet. Continued funds are asked in the hopes that they might be able to build a gate through the fence or, barring that, create a pulley system for transportation of goods.

And now, some announcements from the wonderful churches that support our efforts for building the kingdom in wholesome, conservative methods:

March 25^th—We will be welcoming a new church to our district, as The Independent Holiness Society of Non-Tongues-Speaking-but-Still-Believers-in-The-Spirit’s-Power Brethren Church in Retrop will be joining us as the new Porter Church of the Nasterine! Pastor Sour McPuss is thrilled to be joining our glorious denomination (at least, that’s what I’ve been told—it’s hard to tell by his face). They discussed amongst themselves whether they wanted to be Retrop Church of the Nasterine, but despite their town’s alarming historical trends, they decided that spelling things backwards was just a hop, skip, and a jump away from listening to Satanic music and spray painting pentagrams on the hood of your mom’s Volvo. Not today, Satan.




March 30^th—Our schools are going through a rather tumultuous time at this godless juncture in American history. With the shootings, the rampant pregnancy, and the music that sounds frighteningly unlike anything produced by the Gaithers or Speers, our teens need protection from others and from themselves. That’s why Freedom Church of the Nasterine is partnering with a local militia group, The Sons of the Patriotic Dawn of America’s Glorious New Conservative Future, to initiate a very exciting Guns for Teachers program! They will provide tactical training and nigh-infinite ammunition for whipping our teachers into a fearsome fighting force, and are asking for donations of weapons, high-explosives, and sack lunches. If you have a Beretta to spare, consider donating it to show that you care.




April 1^st—Easter Sunday we will be welcoming a brand-new church plant to the District! Delhi Church of the Nasterine has graciously offered up 8 of their 20 members to start a new church in the old Laundromat in downtown Hext. Unfortunately, Truly and myself will not be able to attend their inaugural wild hog roast and squirrel burger fricassee, but I’ve been informed that all 17 residents of Hext are invited, even those from the six other churches in town.

Easter is almost upon us, district! I’m excited for what God is doing and for the future of Conservative values and God-fearing, bible-believing people of faith.

Pistols firing for the Lord,

Rock Doc T

Brother Duck's Nasterine Nursery Rhymes

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

I'm back from my extended vacation, which you folks on the District were so generous to fund without your knowledge! I’ve told you before, boys and girls, that we have talent in spades here on the Far Right Oklahoma District, and I’ve proven it with the musical stylings of Peter “Peculiar Pete” Wallinkowskowitz. I suppose you’ll have to take my word on it, but I also proved I have quite the editorial talent by not subjecting you Sister Deathrage’s “poetry” (I showed it to my cousin Bowie once, and he described it as “almost as terrible as Vogon poetry,” whatever that means). But, we do have a poet on the district doing incredible work: Harold Quincy Duck. In fact, our district is proud to be financing (in partnership with The Nasty Pub and NSN [The Nasterine Shopping Network]) a collection of Harold’s poems: Brother Duck’s Nasterine Nursery Rhymes!

Here’s a little sample of the fine quality work he’s producing to the delight of little Nasterine boys and girls everywhere:

S-H-A-M-E (To the tune of “B-I-N-G-O”)

There is a thing good kids should feel

When they are being sinful

S-H-A-M-E!

S-H-A-M-E!

S-H-A-M-E!

We say shame on the sinful!

There is a thing good kids should feel

When they are being sinful

*Finger wag*-H-A-M-E!

*Finger wag*-H-A-M-E!

*Finger wag*-H-A-M-E!

We say shame on the sinful!

And so on…

Little Nasterine (To The Tune of “Hush, Little Baby)

Little Nasterine, now don’t you fret,

Mama’s gonna get you a Prosperity Jet.

And if that jet suddenly goes bust, 

Mama’s gonna buy you a big tour bus.

And if those tour dates don’t sell out,

Mama’ll buy a megachurch where you can shout.

And if that Megachurch don’t grow,

Mama’ll find chumps to give you dough.

And if the people don’t donate,

Mama’s gonna get you a monogrammed gate.

And if that gate gets repossessed,

Mama’s gonna make sure that you’re well dressed.

And if they don’t respond to your look,

Mama’s gonna write a motivational book.

And if that book just doesn’t sell,

Mama’ll be convinced the world’s gone to Hell. 

Little Nasterine, now don’t you cry,

Name and claim your blessings and so will I.

I’m a Fundamentalist (To the Tune of “I’m a Little Teapot”)

I’m a Fundamentalist, 

Yes I know,

The Bible is true 

‘Cause it tells me so. 

When I talk theology 

Hear me shout:

“SCRIPTURE’S ALL LITERAL;

THERE’S NO DOUBT!”

Brother Duck is really doing something special for our children, and I am so proud of this book! Order now while supplies last. I’ve order ten copies: one for each of my children and two for every sinner I know.



Wishing upon a star,


Rock Doc T

Nascassocks, Chastubillboards, and Paramentos

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Greeting, Boys and Girls! We in the Church of the Nasterine pride ourselves on being on the cutting edge of religion (particularly if that edge was cut sometime around 1953), which is why I’m so thrilled to introduce this exciting development from that special cross-section of Nasterines who are liturgical and rabid fans of Nascar: Sponsored Liturgical Garments and Paraments!

For the everyday liturgical Nasterine on the go, these cassocks provide an excellent way to remain stylishly devoted to the Lord while making sure that meeting District giving expectations will never be a problem again. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: doesn’t advertising run the risk of endangering our tax-exempt status? Not to worry, faithful reader. Once our current administration feasts their eyes on these Chasubles, I don’t think that will be a problem:

These thrifty sacramentalists are offering a wide variety of styles to choose from, including the heavy mixture of logos for lower giving levels:

Or, for those more serious donors, larger, centralized logos are an option:

Complete with the revolutionary idea, these churches also recommend the following giving levels, complete with labels and advertising options:

• Local Yokels: Give $100 and receive prominent advertising space on your local Nasterine pastor’s liturgicals. Perfect for local businesses wanting to promote awareness or those who want to force their pastor to support a sports team he hates!

• Saints: Give $500 and be given several prominent advertising spaces, as well as a sponsored parking spot sort of close to the front entrance of your local parish!

• Apostles: Give $1,000 and choose between prominent singular advertising space, sponsorship of the church van, or a guaranteed spot on the church board with voting privileges!

• Jesus’ Inner Circle: Give $100,000 and gain independent sponsorship of at least one service! Comes with a tote bag, parking space, and the ability to choose the pastor’s haircut!

• Rich Young Rulers: Give $250,000 and you gain the right to rename a Nasterine church in perpetuity!

• King Solomon Platinum Club Members: Give $1,000,000 or more and you gain all the rewards of our Platinum Club©—Privileges include (but are not limited to) Private church bathroom with monogramed towels, memory foam heated seat cushion in your reserved pew, the renaming of your church, and the personal cell phone numbers of your local DS and at least two GS’s!

I now have a new life’s ambition: after I retire as a GS, I plan to donate enough money for Ness City First Church of the Nasterine to be renamed John F. Tuttle Jr. Church of the Nasterine. Remember, Tuttligans: it’s easier for a camel to fit through the eye of the needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, but even narrow roads still have room for Harleys to ride on.

Always re-Adventing myself,

Rock Doc T

Maundy Thursday and Ash Wednesday Ain't Got Nothing on Black Friday

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

As I’ve finished devouring turkey and ham and prepare to wade into the sea of the unwashed masses to knock my fellow man’s teeth out for cheap electronics, I wanted to share with you all the things I’m thankful for this year:

1. The GOP
2. My wonderful wife Truella
3. 6 of my 8 lovely children
4. 27 of our 39 churches on the Far Right Oklahoma District
5. 4 of the 22 churches I’ve pastored
6. Our glorious denomination and all of its wonderful traditions
7. Sinners to look down upon
8. Other “Christian” traditions to look down upon
9. Our wonderful Republican leadership, both here in Oklahoma and in Washington
10. The United States of ‘Merca
11. That Christmas continues its inexorable march towards devouring pagan holidays like Halloween
12. Financial Prosperity
13. Rigid Moralism
14. Heroes of our Nasterine heritage, such as Philemon F. Brassiere, P.B.J. Chapstick, Chuckie P. Journeyman, and Cousin Buck Robertlewisstevenson
15. The Prayer of Jabez
16. The Lawrence Welk Show
17. The Gaither Family
18. The Speers Family
19. Fox News
20. President Trump
21. Ronald Reagan
22. “Trickle Down” economics
23. Bureaucracy
24. Those in the world still unafraid to speak the truth over and against the Liberal Agenda
25. Jesus

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving and a bruised and bloodied Black Friday,

Rock Doc T

Democrats to the Left of Me, Demagogues to the Right

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Friends, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m loathe to talk about politics, especially since some of you can’t accept the fact that I’m always right. But, we’ve got an important election coming up next year, and I feel like that, as your spiritual leader and advisor, I would be shirking my duties if I didn’t do everything in my power to make sure you vote the right way (*wink,wink*). Unfortunately, the wonderful and lovely Mary Fallin can’t be our governor anymore, which is a shame because she is just a treasure.  Sure, the state is facing a massive budget shortfall. And education continues to decline. And our infrastructure is falling apart. And we have earthquakes. And drought. And rising unemployment. And constant cuts to public services. And addiction issues. And rising teen pregnancy rates. But, most of these issues are likely just God’s punishment for abortion, gay rights, and exorbitant tax rates on oil companies.

With all of these issues facing our state, we need a strong, morally upright leader who supports hardline Republican values. So, let’s take a look at the pros and cons of some announced candidates for the upcoming primary election:

Dolores Umbridge

PROS

-Previous Leadership Experience

-More than willing to do or believe anything as long as it’s the “party line”

-Strict on rule of law and hates everyone who enjoys life (or questions evil dictators to try and stop them before it’s too late)

CONS

-Female

-Fictional

Kevin Spacey

PROS

-Previous Experience spouting awful political ideas regardless of whether he believes them

-Willing to manipulate people’s emotions if there’s a chance it might get him off the hook

-Desperate enough for people to like him he’s likely willing to do or say just about anything

CONS

-Gay

-Played a Democrat on TV

Roy Moore

PROS

-Lots of previous political experience

-Charisma in spades

-Washington Outsider

CONS

-Doesn’t marry the teenage girls he solicits for sex and then divorce them later when he wants to solicit someone else for sex, as God intended

Charles Manson

 PROS

-Strong Nationalist Understanding of America

-Well acquainted with needs of prison systems

-Music Lover

CONS

-Homicidal “Rough Patch”

-Possible Hippie

-Currently Incarcerated

The Joker

PROS

-Resembles our current governor enough in looks and policies to be a strong candidate for my frontrunner

-Entrepreneur, often employing multiple henchmen at any given time

-Used to operating in locations of social and economic downturn

CONS

-Opponent of vigilante justice

-Occasional mass-murderer

Well, there you have it folks. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: these candidates are lacking in the department of morality. But, sometimes we have to vote the party and trust God to change hearts. What would be the alternative? Voting for someone not part of the GOP? Not in my backyard!

Grab ‘em by the electorate,

Rock Doc T

Narcissitaville

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Rock Doc T here with another Peculiar Pete classic that’s been stuck in my head for weeks now.

“Narcissitaville” (To the tune of “Margaritaville”)

I won the election,

But still I’m detecting

There’s some folks who think that I don’t have a clue.

Ignore ‘em all; build me a wall,

Remind them I’m rubber and they are glue.

Life is so lonely here in Narcissitaville

Searching for my next verbal assault.

Some people claim that I have gone insane,

But I know that it’s Obama’s fault.

Tweetin’ at sunrise,

Oh what a surprise—

The liberal media’s spreading fake news.

But I’m such a genius,

With such a big…pair of hands,

I’ll fix the whole country and I’ll fix it soon.

Life is so lonely here in Narcissitaville

Searching for my next verbal assault.

Some people claim that I have gone insane,

But I know that it’s Hillary’s fault.

Fighting dictators,

Insulting my haters:

Women, Muslims, Blacks, and Mexicans.

But it’s all a distraction

So I can take action

And lower taxes for all my rich friends.

Life is so lonely here in Narcissitaville

Searching for my next verbal assault.

Some people claim that I have gone insane,

But I know that it can’t be my fault.

Yes, and Some people claim that I have gone insane,

But I know it’s everyone else’s fault.

Some say our beloved President Trump is a Narcissist, but is it really narcissism if you really are just the best at everything?

Wishing you happiness and a small loan of a million dollars,

Rock Doc T