Tuttle "Raps" with the "Kiddos"

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

As hard as this might be to believe, there have been times where I, your own beloved Dr. Tuttle, have been accused of not being able to relate well to the “youths.” But, I assure you, I’m “down” with the latest cultural trends, so I’d like to take a moment to “rap” with my “homeboys” and “homegirls” regarding the 4-1-1 (or “happy-haps”) on all the “funky fresh” activities available for you on our District!

May 5^th—Our Delhi Church, a bastion of diversity with two separate Hispanic families (my guess is it has something to do with the name) will be hosting a Cinco de Mayo block party! For the younger kids, we’ll have piñatas stuffed to the brim with tracts from Jack T. Chick, and for the older kids, my understanding is that some local high school children will be making cervezas available in the back alley behind the church. My Spanish is a little rusty, so I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds like a hoot and a half!

May 13^th—Felt Church of the Nasterine is having a Youth Lock-In sponsored by their senior adult Sunday School class. These young-at-heart, courageous souls will be kicking things off at noon with a potluck luncheon and keep the party going until the wee hours of the morning—10 pm! Activities will include canasta and shuffleboard tournaments, as well as a rousing game of Find the Dentures!

May 24^th—Griggs Church of the Nasterine has a thrilling event planned sure to get those kids' toes tapping! They will be hosting a concert featuring the musical stylings of Carman, 10 of the 23 former members of Petra, and one half of Mary Mary! The concert will begin at 2:30 pm (after all of the performers are done with their afternoon naps, of course) and will end promptly at 5:30 pm so the performers can eat their dinners and be back to their hotel rooms in time for their 7:30 bedtimes. Assuming no one winds up with a tear in their colostomy bag, I smell a good time for all!

May 30^th—Like a lot of “youths” who are going through the horrors of puberty, you probably have hair in strange new places and a lot of urges you don’t fully understand. Buffalo Church of the Nasterine is here to help you understand that not only are those new urges wicked and sinful, they also can give you all kinds of diseases, up to and including pregnancy. That’s why they are hosting an abstinence-only education night in partnership with the local school board. Remember kids—good Nasterines wait until marriage, and the really good ones don’t turn the lights on even then. The less you know the better.

There you have it! All the “dope” new activities you can shake a stick at! I know the kids today are confused by the internet, rap music, and all the things to keep up with regarding Kardashians, but here in the Church of the Nasterine, you don’t need to worry about anything happening in pop culture: you can party like it’s 1959!

Word to your mother,

Rock Doc T

Papa Was a Rolling Stone...

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

As I’m sure most of you have heard by now, our Texhoma church has (against my better judgment, mind you) called a new pastor, Gay Deathrage. Gay has pastored several different churches, from Portland to San Francisco (only part of my objections), but grew up in (and comes to our district from) Western Kansas. I have it on good authority that she is liberal as the day is long, is more than willing to pretend to speak in tongues for her own personal benefit, and she believes in evolution, non-literal interpretations of Scripture, and I once personally saw her measure out a medication in milliliters. I have no proof of this next claim, so make of it what you will, but she has personally threatened your very own DS with information I’d rather keep private. So, rather than allow her to blackmail me, I’ve decided to fill you all in on family secrets some of you already know.

Obviously, as I am John F. Tuttle, Jr., my father is John F. Tuttle, Sr. Some of you already know the sordid past associated with that name, but, for those of you who don’t, some background on my father. He graduated from the Home Course of Study, and holds an honorary degree from Mid-America Nasterine University of Religious Education. He and my poor, sainted mother Perky Ann Devoted were married for over 37 years, pastoring 35 different churches. He also served as a professor at our Nasterine Bible College and Welding School in Gallipolis, Ohio, and as D.S. of the Baja District in Southern California and the N.W. Panhandle District in Texas. His last assignment was as D.S. of the Western Kansas District.

It was while serving as D.S. on the Western Kansas District that my father sullied the good name of Tuttle forever and drove my poor mother Perky to drown her sorrows in the hard stuff—candy cigarettes and extra-sweet tea. She gained 30 pounds in the first year alone. My father embezzled money from the district’s account and ran off with his secretary. I’ve long since forgotten her name, so I’ll simply refer to her as Jezebel McGolddigger. Nothing could be proven, of course, so no charges were filed.  I haven’t had any contact with my father since. One year I was foolish enough to open the annual Christmas card I receive from Dr. Liar and Jezebel before throwing it away, and found out that they were living comfortably in Boca Raton off his ill-gotten gains. He even had the audacity to join the Mess-of-thist Church so he could weasel more money out of their pension plan. Below is the photo that card included.

                                                          

So now you all know my family’s secret shame. Miss Deathrage was on my father’s district at the time as a youngster in the Ness City First Church’s youth group, and therefore had a front-row seat to my father’s downfall. But, I’ve done nothing wrong. And, despite my father’s obvious shortcomings, he was a brilliant man who taught me a lot about how to look down on others and feel morally superior to everyone, and those are lessons that have guided me well through the time since his own personal moral ineptitude was made public. I will continue to remain an unimpeachable and unassailable paragon of moral uprightness, despite the efforts of Sister Deathrage.

Always willing to cast the first stone,

Rock Doc T

Science By the Book

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve been fascinated as to why some people who are supposedly very smart could be stupid enough to believe in a world where people could evolve from monkeys like some sort of reverse Planet of the Apes. And, ever since I was awarded an honorary doctorate in Geology from the now sadly-defunct Trump University (though I am being told that honorary degrees are still being honored), I feel qualified to speak on the subject.

That is why I am happy to announce that your very own Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr., partnering with dozens of qualified Nasterines (and a few Mess-of-thists and West-keyans who have been heavily vetted, as well as one token Baptist for diversity’s sake) has created a new science textbook being offered to schools everywhere soon through Nasterine Publishing House:

SCIENCE BY THE BOOK:

Scientific Education Guided by Biblical Principles

From Evolution to dinosaurs, vaccines to miracles, the heliocentric universe to the metric system, this book covers them all and debunks all of the “facts” that you’ve heard as part of the liberal agenda. Instead, this book focuses on hard science facts of Scriptures, including:

Chapter 1: The Firmament and the Light of the Moon—Why Astronomy is Lying to You

Chapter 5: God Runs Sprints, Not Marathons—Why Evolution is Too Slow for God

Chapter 11: Miracles—God’s Answer to Every Difficult Question

Chapter 14: Plagues—Why You Should Always Assume God Means Business

Chapter 27: Using Scripture to Simplify Mathematics—Why π is exactly 3 according to 1 Kings 7

Chapter 44: Vaccines—Regardless of Autism, Not Part of God’s Design

Chapter 48: Homosexuality—It Only Occurs in Nature Because Nature is Fallen

Don’t worry about having to think for yourself—we’ll tell what you need to believe to go to heaven, and if your agnostic nephew with the piercings and tattoos tells you it doesn’t make rational sense, just sing hymns at him until he goes away!

These books will be replacing non-Bible based science textbooks all across the state soon, with votes pending in other districts. But, if the votes don’t go our way, don’t worry—Oklahoma’s elected officials aren’t bound by silly things like what their constituents actually vote for: they can just pretend that the people didn’t understand and do whatever they want!

Following God’s will even when it’s contradictory,

Rock Doc T

Rules to Live Your Life By

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Dr. John F. Tuttle Jr. here, and at this special time of year, I’d like to share with all of you a quick list of changes I’d like to see immediately implemented at all churches on the Far Right Oklahoma District, for the sake of our fellowship and the kingdom:

1. I would like to see us be more welcoming and hospitable to people who look less like us: minorities, unwed teenage mothers, and especially the LGBTQ+ community.
2. Our understanding of Scripture has become far too fundamentalist and literal. I would like us to instead start thinking of Scripture as a living, breathing document that require careful exegesis and interpretation to understand how it might speak to our lives today. 
3. Speaking to both of the first two points, I would like to see us make a more concerted effort to partner with fellowships of different denominational backgrounds in our respective communities. After all, if we are supposed to be one body of Christ, shouldn’t we start acting like it and work together instead of seeing each other as competition? 
4. We as a denomination take the role of woman in ministry seriously and therefore should strive to maintain the dignity of and respect for our female colleagues in ministry as fellow sisters in Christ and fully qualified ministers of the gospel, and therefore I do not want to hear ANYONE say anything negative about the role of women in the Church or Society as a whole.
5. Shame is an ugly part of our fellowships, and it needs to stop. We are sinners saved by grace. Act like it.
6. Politics that use fear to ostracize and alienate people just because they seem different are antithetical to the Gospel message. Christ constantly called those on the margins inside instead of leaving them on the outside looking in. There’s room at the table for everyone. 
7. Church is about a way of life and sharing fellowship with one another, so let’s stop worrying about all the silly bean counting we do to try and reassure ourselves that it’s working. So please, stop keeping track of and measuring yourselves by attendance, how many people have joined the church, how many you’ve lead to Christ, and how many baptisms you’ve performed. Instead, focus on the work of the kingdom and trust God to provide. 
8. Violence has no place in the kingdom of God. If we are truly longing for the hastening of the day when God will beat swords into plowshares and spears into pruning hooks, why are we carrying guns into our houses of worship? If you have one, you probably don’t need it on Sunday, and thinking you do speaks a lot louder than any words ever could. 
9. Theologically speaking, the Church of the Nasterine allows for a wide variance of belief with our theology, so please, stop fighting with one another about whether the earth is 6,000 years old and was created fully formed or whether an intelligent creator chose to work through the process of evolution to allow life to blossom and bloom into a form capable of responding to his love and goodness, and stop arguing about whether the future is determined, we have free will based on God’s knowledge of us, or the future is open to allow for genuine creational participation with God in shaping it. Those things, while important to us as individuals, matter much less on a larger scale, as long as we agree to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly together. 
10. Finally, we need to make more of an effort to look like Christ, a man who broke bread with sinners, condemned hypocrites, and invited outsiders in.

APRIL FOOLS,

Rock Doc T.