Are There No Prisons?

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Fighting through the Annual Spring Freeze here in Oklahoma it’s Rock Doc T, here to take you to school! Speaking of schools, our Sunday School teachers for nursery through high school age groups here on The Far Right District have staged a walkout in hopes of getting fresher stale donuts and newer old coffee in rumpus rooms across the region, but luckily so far our Church Boards have done an excellent job of stalling them by calling meetings to session with prayer, a reading of the minutes, and then promptly adjourning after refusing to hear any new business, calling protesting teachers “sinners in the hands of an angry God” (well, disappointed God: the God of the Nasterines would never do anything as unseemly as express an emotion like anger).

Speaking of staunch refusal to bend to progress, listen to reasonable demands, and petty name-calling, I’m counting the days with increasing sadness before I have to worry about whatever sorry administration attempts to fill Mary Fallin’s magnificent shoes. With her sure-handed guidance at the helm for another few years we would have all been living in mansions (or private prisons)! But, even though she’ll be moving on, Governor Fallin’s immortal wisdom lives on in her newly announced book—Are There No Prisons? How to Trickle Your Pockets Full of Sweet, Sweet Oil Money!

In this delightful defense of conservative economics, Mary gives you all her signature tools of the trade for creating a booming recession economy, as well as some new ideas, including building a golden idol of herself as part of her capital building beautification initiative, mocking key demographics that have majority public support, and all sorts of other stellar ideas to give our state the face lift it so desperately needs. Paid for by The Foundation for Modest Proposals in Times of Economic Distress (when times get tough, why not consider eating the poor?), this book was originally going to include a forward by several of our state’s top-notch legislators, but apparently they did nothing during the six-week deadline Mary gave them, asked for a larger fee and were granted an extension, did nothing during their new eight-week deadline, and then after failing to produce any writing whatsoever, congratulated themselves by doubling their going fees.

Decrease the Surplus Population,

Rock Doc T

Building Walls and Shooting Guns for Jesus

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

 
While there have been some concerns, never fear gentle Nasterines—Dr. John F. Tuttle Jr. would never abandon you in your time of need! I’d like to share with you some of the wonderful happenings on the district, but first: a few house-keeping tidbits.

I’d like to remind Pastor Emil Hamilton of our Lookout Church that, while I applaud your initiative and whole-heartedly approve of your objectives, Chaplain for Converting Liberal Nasterines is not a church-sanctioned role, and continuing to submit paperwork for this role during our annual assembly will not increase your ability to withdraw funds from the pension fund in the future.

For those of you wishing to contribute funds to a worthwhile cause, we are continuing to raise money for the founding of Berlin Church of the Nasterine on our humble district, but communications have been spotty in town since Old Man Jenkins erected a fence through the middle of mainstreet. Continued funds are asked in the hopes that they might be able to build a gate through the fence or, barring that, create a pulley system for transportation of goods.

And now, some announcements from the wonderful churches that support our efforts for building the kingdom in wholesome, conservative methods:

March 25^th—We will be welcoming a new church to our district, as The Independent Holiness Society of Non-Tongues-Speaking-but-Still-Believers-in-The-Spirit’s-Power Brethren Church in Retrop will be joining us as the new Porter Church of the Nasterine! Pastor Sour McPuss is thrilled to be joining our glorious denomination (at least, that’s what I’ve been told—it’s hard to tell by his face). They discussed amongst themselves whether they wanted to be Retrop Church of the Nasterine, but despite their town’s alarming historical trends, they decided that spelling things backwards was just a hop, skip, and a jump away from listening to Satanic music and spray painting pentagrams on the hood of your mom’s Volvo. Not today, Satan.




March 30^th—Our schools are going through a rather tumultuous time at this godless juncture in American history. With the shootings, the rampant pregnancy, and the music that sounds frighteningly unlike anything produced by the Gaithers or Speers, our teens need protection from others and from themselves. That’s why Freedom Church of the Nasterine is partnering with a local militia group, The Sons of the Patriotic Dawn of America’s Glorious New Conservative Future, to initiate a very exciting Guns for Teachers program! They will provide tactical training and nigh-infinite ammunition for whipping our teachers into a fearsome fighting force, and are asking for donations of weapons, high-explosives, and sack lunches. If you have a Beretta to spare, consider donating it to show that you care.




April 1^st—Easter Sunday we will be welcoming a brand-new church plant to the District! Delhi Church of the Nasterine has graciously offered up 8 of their 20 members to start a new church in the old Laundromat in downtown Hext. Unfortunately, Truly and myself will not be able to attend their inaugural wild hog roast and squirrel burger fricassee, but I’ve been informed that all 17 residents of Hext are invited, even those from the six other churches in town.

Easter is almost upon us, district! I’m excited for what God is doing and for the future of Conservative values and God-fearing, bible-believing people of faith.

Pistols firing for the Lord,

Rock Doc T

Brother Duck's Nasterine Nursery Rhymes

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

I'm back from my extended vacation, which you folks on the District were so generous to fund without your knowledge! I’ve told you before, boys and girls, that we have talent in spades here on the Far Right Oklahoma District, and I’ve proven it with the musical stylings of Peter “Peculiar Pete” Wallinkowskowitz. I suppose you’ll have to take my word on it, but I also proved I have quite the editorial talent by not subjecting you Sister Deathrage’s “poetry” (I showed it to my cousin Bowie once, and he described it as “almost as terrible as Vogon poetry,” whatever that means). But, we do have a poet on the district doing incredible work: Harold Quincy Duck. In fact, our district is proud to be financing (in partnership with The Nasty Pub and NSN [The Nasterine Shopping Network]) a collection of Harold’s poems: Brother Duck’s Nasterine Nursery Rhymes!

Here’s a little sample of the fine quality work he’s producing to the delight of little Nasterine boys and girls everywhere:

S-H-A-M-E (To the tune of “B-I-N-G-O”)

There is a thing good kids should feel

When they are being sinful

S-H-A-M-E!

S-H-A-M-E!

S-H-A-M-E!

We say shame on the sinful!

There is a thing good kids should feel

When they are being sinful

*Finger wag*-H-A-M-E!

*Finger wag*-H-A-M-E!

*Finger wag*-H-A-M-E!

We say shame on the sinful!

And so on…

Little Nasterine (To The Tune of “Hush, Little Baby)

Little Nasterine, now don’t you fret,

Mama’s gonna get you a Prosperity Jet.

And if that jet suddenly goes bust, 

Mama’s gonna buy you a big tour bus.

And if those tour dates don’t sell out,

Mama’ll buy a megachurch where you can shout.

And if that Megachurch don’t grow,

Mama’ll find chumps to give you dough.

And if the people don’t donate,

Mama’s gonna get you a monogrammed gate.

And if that gate gets repossessed,

Mama’s gonna make sure that you’re well dressed.

And if they don’t respond to your look,

Mama’s gonna write a motivational book.

And if that book just doesn’t sell,

Mama’ll be convinced the world’s gone to Hell. 

Little Nasterine, now don’t you cry,

Name and claim your blessings and so will I.

I’m a Fundamentalist (To the Tune of “I’m a Little Teapot”)

I’m a Fundamentalist, 

Yes I know,

The Bible is true 

‘Cause it tells me so. 

When I talk theology 

Hear me shout:

“SCRIPTURE’S ALL LITERAL;

THERE’S NO DOUBT!”

Brother Duck is really doing something special for our children, and I am so proud of this book! Order now while supplies last. I’ve order ten copies: one for each of my children and two for every sinner I know.



Wishing upon a star,


Rock Doc T