(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle,
Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
Friends, as I’ve
mentioned before, I’m loathe to talk about politics, especially since some of
you can’t accept the fact that I’m always right. But, we’ve got an important
election coming up next year, and I feel like that, as your spiritual leader
and advisor, I would be shirking my duties if I didn’t do everything in my
power to make sure you vote the right
way (*wink,wink*). Unfortunately, the wonderful and lovely Mary Fallin can’t be
our governor anymore, which is a shame because she is just a treasure. Sure, the state is facing a massive budget
shortfall. And education continues to decline. And our infrastructure is
falling apart. And we have earthquakes. And drought. And rising unemployment. And
constant cuts to public services. And addiction issues. And rising teen
pregnancy rates. But, most of these issues are likely just God’s punishment for
abortion, gay rights, and exorbitant tax rates on oil companies.
With all of these
issues facing our state, we need a strong, morally upright leader who supports
hardline Republican values. So, let’s take a look at the pros and cons of some
announced candidates for the upcoming primary election:
Dolores Umbridge
PROS
-Previous Leadership
Experience
-More than willing to
do or believe anything as long as it’s the “party line”
-Strict on rule of law
and hates everyone who enjoys life (or questions evil dictators to try and stop
them before it’s too late)
CONS
-Female
-Fictional
Kevin Spacey
PROS
-Previous Experience
spouting awful political ideas regardless of whether he believes them
-Willing to manipulate
people’s emotions if there’s a chance it might get him off the hook
-Desperate enough for
people to like him he’s likely willing to do or say just about anything
CONS
-Gay
-Played a Democrat on
TV
Roy Moore
PROS
-Lots of previous
political experience
-Charisma in spades
-Washington Outsider
CONS
-Doesn’t marry the
teenage girls he solicits for sex and then divorce them later when he wants to
solicit someone else for sex, as God intended
Charles Manson
PROS
-Strong Nationalist
Understanding of America
-Well acquainted with
needs of prison systems
-Music Lover
CONS
-Homicidal “Rough Patch”
-Possible Hippie
-Currently Incarcerated
The Joker
PROS
-Resembles our current
governor enough in looks and policies to be a strong candidate for my
frontrunner
-Entrepreneur, often employing
multiple henchmen at any given time
-Used to operating in
locations of social and economic downturn
CONS
-Opponent of vigilante
justice
-Occasional
mass-murderer
Well, there you have it
folks. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: these candidates are lacking
in the department of morality. But, sometimes we have to vote the party and
trust God to change hearts. What would be the alternative? Voting for someone
not part of the GOP? Not in my backyard!
Grab ‘em by the
electorate,
Rock Doc T
