Bowie's Secret

(Actual) Dr. Bowie Sundance Tuttle

Senior Pastor & Part-Time Barista

Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship

Church of the Nasterine

“The journey is the destination when you find yourself where you are.”

Greetings again, fellow searchers after the truth of divine wisdom. You know, a lot of people ask me, “Teacher, what’s the secret of success? How did you find inner peace, and then balance that with pastoring a multitude of campuses across southern California?” And, I always give them the same answer: “Success is not measured in the momentousness of our accomplishments, but rather in the accomplishment we feel in our moments.”

But, if I’m going to be completely honest, there is a secret to my success. And, since I know some of you are free thinkers who will do exactly what I tell you instead of mindlessly following John Boy without question, I’d like to share that secret with the Far Right Oklahoma District, provided you’re all willing to swear an oath of non-discloser. I’ll wait while you go get a Bible to swear on.

Ready? Repeat after me:

“I, your name here, do solemnly swear not to reveal the secret of Pastor Bowie’s success, or may I never be able to read the Bible ever again and may I always vote Democrat.”

Okay, here’s my secret. I found the following ad in the back of a flyer at Cokesbury once upon a time, and it changed the course of my ministry:

Does your church worship God in the same boring way that everyone else does? Do you wish you could be exciting and different? Do theological absolutes make you feel icky and judgmental? Do you own a turtleneck sweater and Buddy Holly glasses?

If the answer to that last question was “No,” that’s okay, because they're the first items included in our Emergent Church Starter Kit! In addition to that wardrobe change (completed by skinny jeans, sneakers, and an optional sport coat), we also include the following worship space enhancing essentials:

·         (1) Industrial-sized crate filled with 12,000 candles of various shapes and sizes completely devoid of theological significance and full of “ambiance.”

·         (1) County-Fair Rockstar Starter Kit®, complete with a fog machine, laser light show, and speakers loud enough to guarantee you drive away anyone over the age of 45.

·         (1) Modular Build-Your-Own Worship Pastor Kit©, because you need someone to drive the end of your sermon home with background-enhancing chord progressions. Comes in the following variations: Gender-Ambiguous Hipster, Perfectly Groomed Homeless Person, and Pretty (In-a-non-threatening Way) Tambourine Girl.

·         (1) Easy-to-assemble “theological” bookstore and coffee shop. Comes fully stocked with pseudo-theological books about life’s journey, and fair-trade organic gluten-free paleo grass-fed free-range coffee beans.

As far as preaching is concerned, you’re going to want to avoid most of the Old Testament, unless you’re railing against the patriarchy, “God-commanded” violence, and how hung up on rules we used to be before we evolved into more free and intelligent beings. The prophets can be okay, but when you’re using them to judge religious people, make sure you emphasize often and loudly how you’re different. I would recommend sticking mostly to parables, since the kind of Christian you are going to attract from now on likes their truth ambiguous and narrative-driven.

Speaking of your new theological center, here’s a handy mantra to memorize and make your various staff pastors recite at your weekly brainstorming breakout sessions:

I choose to believe (but allow for your freedom to not believe) in God,

who can do a lot of neat and powerful stuff,

but not in a judgmental or oppressive way.

I choose to believe (but allow for your freedom to not believe) in Jesus Christ,

God's messenger, our groovy teacher,
who may or may not have done incredible and miraculous things,

Based on your own personal narrative meaning and theological center.

I choose to believe (but allow for your freedom to not believe) in  divine energy, 
metaphorically or realistically,
the faith community that meets my seeker-sensitive needs,
a weekly worship concert and vaguely spiritual experience,
that sins are just a judgmental way of keeping people down,
And that I’m too important to completely disappear when I die. Amen.

Once all these pieces are in place, you’re well on your way to having worship experiences with thousands and leading dozens to a deeper and more meaningful walk with God.

Dancing the divine dance of creation,

Space Audit T 

School Blessings and Book Burnings

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

I’ve never in my life been so moved by tragedies surrounding us; so much suffering and uncertainty about tomorrow really puts things in perspective. But, I’m confident we can persevere. I believe that even though this tragedy has taken place, we will rise from the ashes, as a region, stronger and better. I believe that even though 70% of our churches were short on district budget giving, next quarter giving will be up with a vengeance.

But, enough about our woes. Let’s look at some of the wonderful things happening around the district this month!

September 3^rd—Our Balko church is under new leadership with newly installed minister Joey Estain who started last Sunday. Joey has high hopes for the future of Balko Church of the Nasterine, planning to triple their membership within the next six months! My prayers are with Joey that he finds 10 people in Balko that don’t already attend one of their twelve other churches.  Joey is planning on raising funds for the relief effort in Houston, so if you would like to contribute, please feel free to send checks made out to him personally, and he’ll be happy to make sure those funds wind up where they’re most needed. He would also like to remind the community that the church’s doors are currently closed to refugees from the storms, but he’d be happy to open them up once all the government-run shelters between Balko, OK and Houston, TX are full.

September 10^th—Floris Church of the Nasterine is having a back to school blessing/book burning this coming Sunday. Come and say a prayer with us as we ask for God’s blessing on this coming school year, and come burn all sorts of questionable reading materials. The list of sinful books slated for burning this coming Sunday includes Charles Darwin’s On the Origins of Species and Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, as well as literary “classics” such as Anna Karenina, 1984, A Tale of Two Cities, and Hop on Pop.

September 13^th—Texhoma Church of the Nasterine will be having a poetry reading in lieu of regular Wednesday services, because apparently Gay Deathrage won’t stop until churches on our district look like Europeans and New Yorkers instead of honest, God-fearing Okies. Attend such events at the risk of your own salvation, folks.

September 23^rd—Ricky Joe and Billy Jack Gopherwood, brother carpenters who attend our Strong City Church of the Nasterine, are currently in the process of building a replica of Noah’s Ark. This replica is not meant as a tourist attraction: the brothers just decided that they’ve got a lot of free time on their hands and, given all the flooding happening lately, thought that an ark might be something handy to have lying around. Strong City Church is having a volunteer work day involving the project on Sept. 23^rd, and they have guaranteed anyone who donates time, resources, or funds to the project a spot on the ark should the flood waters come to their area.

Hope to see you soon, my faithful Nasterines! Keep working hard on being holy, because God is watching you even closer than Big Brother.

Skip Sunday services at your own peril,

Rock Doc T