(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle,
Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
Well, my dear
Nasterines, it’s as I feared: ever since joining the District, Gay Deathrage
continues to be a thorn in my side. And, much like Paul, I’ve asked the Lord to
take her away (a lot more than three times, as a matter of fact), but apparently
the Lord thinks I need to suffer. But, while I continue to suffer, certain
concessions have to be made for the sake of the District and my sanity.
Sister Deathrage has
accused my newsletters of being one-sided, but can I help it that my side of
things also happens to be the truth? But, never let it be said that John F.
Tuttle Jr. isn’t willing to listen to the other side of the issues. However,
rather than allow Gay to write one of these letters (the real reason behind her
cries of injustice), I’ve elected to bring you a very special letter from
someone who is, regrettably, my cousin. Without further ado, I present *sigh* Bowie Sundance Tuttle, pastor of
Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship Church of the Nasterine in Joshua Tree,
California:
(Actual)
Dr. Bowie Sundance Tuttle
Senior
Pastor & Part-Time Barista
Jupiter
Mountain Charis Fellowship
Church
of the Nasterine
“The
journey is the destination when you find yourself where you are.”
Greetings, fellow travelers on the road to discovery.
When John asked me about doing one of these letters, I was initially a little
hesitant. But then I figured, “Why not? Either they’ll hate you, and he’ll
never ask you to do another one, or they won’t, and you’ll get a chance to
reach a whole new audience and spread a message of tolerance and togetherness.”
So, I said yes. I thought for my initial letter to you I’d just tell you a bit
about myself and my background.
Like “John Boy” I’ve been a Nasterine pastor for quite a
while. I couldn’t tell you how long exactly, because I feel like it’s
incredibly biased to keep track of specifics. It takes all of the nuance and
mystery out of life, you know? But, if you need to know some exact details, I
can tell you that I attended Spot Highma Nasterine University where I got my BA
in Statistical Underutilization of Barthian Justifications for Economics
Culminating in Theological Intellectualism and Varification of Elohistic
Tribalism and Rationale of Unmitigated Theocentricity in History. After that, I
attender Emptier Seminary for my post graduate work and got my PhD in Infinite
Genders Studies from UC Berkley.
At Jupiter Mountain Charis Fellowship Church of the
Nasterine, we are welcoming of all religious backgrounds, walks of life, social
classes, genders, sexualities, species, and xenotypes (if you are from another
planet, please feel free to come experience the mysteries of the infinite with
us!). We have 12 services on the weekend to best accommodate the needs of
individual seekers: Saturdays at 8pm, 10pm, and our very popular “Stumble in
Drunk” Service at 2:47 in the morning. On Sundays we have our ARISE service at
6am, our ARISE 2: ARISE HARDER service at 7am, our ARISE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE
service at 8am, our “culturally normative” service times at 9am and 10:30am, our
OVERSLEPT service at 1pm, REFUEL service at 2pm, RECHARGE at 3pm, and our
exceedingly popular GET MOM OFF MY BACK BY DOING THE BARE MINIMUM service at
7pm. All of these services are also available at each of our 17 satellite
campus locations, all of which come equipped with barely competent volunteer host
pastors, state of the art TV broadcasting of my sermons, and androgynous house
bands with tight pants and poor grooming habits.
All of our locations also come equipped with the latest
in coffee bar technology, from French Presses to the all-new and very exclusive
COVFEFE method. All of our ministers are also certified baristas to meet your
spiritual and caffeination needs. Each location also has a fully-stocked
bookstore, with everything to meet your spiritual needs: Bob Bell, Shane Claibjörn,
and newly-added author Jen Tentmaker, as well as pamphlets on all of the
multiverse of genders and how to incorporate regular trips to Planned
Parenthood into your spiritual journey. We also have non-descript office space
and meditation rooms for meetings and yoga classes led by Islamic extremists.
Hope to see you at one of our services soon!
Always journeying towards knowledge,
Space Audit T
