MAMMON: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Ba'al

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

There’s lots of talk about money flying around these days as President Trump and our fantastic state legislators both work on the process of finalizing budgets for the upcoming year, and while I’m proud of the good work that we’re doing on both the local and national level to decimate funding for liberal projects like schools and roads and protect the marginalized, like poor, defenseless multi-national conglomerates, I still can’t help but worry that it’s not enough. What if the excessively wealthy can’t save us, even if we give then an exceedingly disproportionate share of the resources?

If you’ve had similar worries, I’m pleased to announce a highly-anticipated new book by recent up and coming author Creflo B. Gimme, MAMMON, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ba’al:

  

In this exciting volume, Gimme is a wellspring of knowledge on how you can feel justified in thinking that the government is cheating the rich out of taxes to care for those moochers who don’t have the decency to be born privileged, with such chapters as:

Chapter 4: Trickle-Down Economics: It Just Works

Chapter 7: The Economy of Heaven: Why Giving to the Poor is About Personal Holiness, Not Societal Necessity

Chapter 10: Too Big to Fail: Why the Rich Need Your Money More Than You

Chapter 11: Moral Bankruptcy: Why You Should Send Me a Check for $1,000

Chapter 18: Silver Spoons Still Have to Be Polished: Why Privilege is Really Not That Big a Deal

Chapter 23: Fighting Logic with Distractions & Cruelty: How to Make Arguments Ad Hominem

I especially appreciated his advice in Chapter 23 about deflecting any concerns about the current administration by complaining loudly about Obama and the Clintons until the other person gives up and leaves. I can highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to pick fights with liberals, feel better about replacing that 2015 F-750 truck with the new 2018 F-950, or better understand true religion when it comes to economics. No one can tell you that taxes on the rich help the poor, Jesus condemned material wealth, or welfare and Obamacare help people ever again!

Benghazi Emails,

Rock Doc T

Perky's Guide to the Great Convention

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

Happy Mother’s Day to all the special ladies on our district! I was going through some of the original Tuttle Letters that my scoundrel of a father wrote over 25 years ago, and found this gem written by my dear sainted mother, Perky Ann Devoted. In honor of my own mother, and the impending Great Convention in NativeAmericanville, I thought I would share this timeless wisdom with you all from a woman who is half June Cleaver, half Nancy Reagan, and half Ruth Graham. Take it away, Mom!  

PERKY’S GUIDE TO

THE GREAT CONVENTION

By Mrs. John Tuttle

Dear Ladies:

How precious this time is that I have to write and share with you from my heart, as the lady of the District Parsonage. Usually I leave these little newsletters to John, or “daddy,” as I affectionately call him, but with the Great Convention coming up soon, I thought it important to write the Parsonage Ladies and give them some “tips.” As you know, being the daughter of a DS, a pastor’s wife, and now the wife of a DS, I have been to many, many Great Conventions, and I just wanted to share with you from my vast experience in this area. Since the Great Conventions give us ladies the ULTIMATE opportunity to enhance our husband’s success, here are some “need to know” tips:

DRESS: Remember, ladies, you are there to promote your husband, so how you look is important. The key here is to LOOK professional without taking away from your husband’s appearance. The ruling biblical passage here is, “He must increase, while I must decrease.” I know that ORIGINALLY that passage is referring to Jesus increasing and Paul decreasing, but I take very practical views to Scripture. BUSINESS SUITS are the best thing to wear, with high-neck blouses. Conservative colors, of course. One neat little trick of the trade I have learned: since you will always want to wear a scarf with your outfit (who would be caught dead without one?!), try to have your scarf match your husband’s tie and handkerchief. This perfectly achieves that “classy yet submissive” look that is so important for those women who always have their eyes on their husband’s career. Also, CLEAR—I repeat, CLEAR—fingernail polish at all times! Failure to observe this rule can itself blow a good promotion! For you younger, Seminary wives, start NOW in letting those pierced ears grow closed. And, of course, NO open-toed shoes. Modest jewelry, and only one ring. Lipstick should be soft colors. You will each have to wear those ugly name-tags (and they NEVER go with anything you have on), but be sure not to put your first name. Ladies, THIS IS VITAL! Always put Mrs., and then put your husband’s name. Your identity as a person is unimportant. The only reason your parents gave you a first name was so that they would have something to call you until you got married. It is your husband’s name you want to push. Remember, when HE moves up, YOU go with HIM!

CONVERSATION: Talking right is as vital as looking right. 80% of what you say should be to say how “wonderful” the convention is, how “precious” everything looks, and how “special” so-and-so is. COMPLIMENT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE! If an issue is raised during a conversation, always quote your husband’s views. If that fails, just smile and say that you are too busy spending quality time with your children to get involved in such issues. NEVER admit that you watch television. Also, remember that since you will be dining and shopping in Indianapolis [NativeAmericanville], you will want to leave a good impression about Nasterines with the locals. So always say things like, “I think Dan Quayle is a WONDERFUL Vice President.” You can always go to the altar when you get back home.

VOTING: If you are a delegate, you will of course want to be sure to check with your husband on how you should vote on things. If he is liberal and says it is up to you, a helpful tip: always vote your conscience on the first ballot, and then vote with the majority on every ballot after that. After all, the sooner the voting is over, the sooner you can go shopping!

I hope that this little letter has helped. You are all so very special to me. And remember, at convention, ALWAYS be seen with the wife of someone who is higher up than you!

Huggies,

Perky

Rollin' to Jerusalem

(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.

District Superintendent

Far Right Oklahoma District

Church of the Nasterine

"Panhandling our hardest for Christ."

I am always just tickled pink (as Truly might say, bless her) when someone on our district develops their gifts and graces for the service of the kingdom. We have talent in spades here on the Far Right Oklahoma District, from yodeling gargler Ida Winslow to Henry Jenkins and his tap dancing carpentry, but I’m not writing today to tell you about Ida or Henry. I’m writing to tell you about Peter “Peculiar Pete” Wallinkowskowitz, who has been writing theological parody songs and performing in the basement of our church in Catesby. With Pete’s permission, I’d like to share with you the lyrics to one of my personal favorites (here’s a handy link explaining the theology behind the song if you’re not familiar with what “the Jews” have been up to since that whole crucifixion thing):

  

Rollin’ to Jerusalem (To The Tune of “Proud Mary” by Creedance Clearwater Revival)

Left a good grave in Damascus

Rollin’ to the holy city night and day.

Lived my life in exile, hopin’ to reconcile,

Returning to the promise made to Abraham.

Big tunnels keep on leadin’,

Kosher bodies keep on needin’

To be rollin', rollin', rollin' to Jerusalem.

Spent my life slavin’ for the Pharaoh

Now I’m down in Sheol waitin’ for the day

Messiah will be comin’, shofar will be soundin’,

But we gonna roll ‘til we reach that day.

                              

Big tunnels keep on leadin’,

Kosher bodies keep on needin’

To be rollin', rollin', rollin' to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

If you come on down to the Mount

Where them olives grow up on Zion’s hill

And you see some corpses; you don’t have to worry,

George Romero ain’t there makin’ zombie films.

Big tunnels keep on leadin’,

Kosher bodies keep on needin’

To be rollin', rollin', rollin' to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to Jerusalem.

I'm so proud of Pete and how he takes The Devil's music and makes it into something suitable for consumption by good, honest Nasterines. That’s a toe-tapper that’ll be stuck in my head for a while.

לשנה הבאה בירושלים, 

Rock Doc T