(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle,
Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
Greeting, Boys and Girls! We in the Church of the Nasterine
pride ourselves on being on the cutting edge of religion (particularly if that
edge was cut sometime around 1953), which is why I’m so thrilled to introduce
this exciting development from that special cross-section of Nasterines who
are liturgical and rabid fans of Nascar: Sponsored Liturgical Garments and
Paraments!
For the everyday liturgical Nasterine on the go, these
cassocks provide an excellent way to remain stylishly devoted to the Lord while
making sure that meeting District giving expectations will never be a problem
again. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: doesn’t advertising run the
risk of endangering our tax-exempt status? Not to worry, faithful reader. Once
our current administration feasts their eyes on these Chasubles, I don’t think
that will be a problem:
These thrifty sacramentalists are offering a wide variety of
styles to choose from, including the heavy mixture of logos for lower giving
levels:
Or, for those more serious donors, larger, centralized logos
are an option:
Complete with the revolutionary idea, these churches also
recommend the following giving levels, complete with labels and advertising
options:
- Local Yokels: Give $100 and receive prominent advertising space on your local Nasterine pastor’s liturgicals. Perfect for local businesses wanting to promote awareness or those who want to force their pastor to support a sports team he hates!
- Saints: Give $500 and be given several prominent advertising spaces, as well as a sponsored parking spot sort of close to the front entrance of your local parish!
- Apostles: Give $1,000 and choose between prominent singular advertising space, sponsorship of the church van, or a guaranteed spot on the church board with voting privileges!
- Jesus’ Inner Circle: Give $100,000 and gain independent sponsorship of at least one service! Comes with a tote bag, parking space, and the ability to choose the pastor’s haircut!
- Rich Young Rulers: Give $250,000 and you gain the right to rename a Nasterine church in perpetuity!
- King Solomon Platinum Club Members: Give $1,000,000 or more and you gain all the rewards of our Platinum Club©—Privileges include (but are not limited to) Private church bathroom with monogramed towels, memory foam heated seat cushion in your reserved pew, the renaming of your church, and the personal cell phone numbers of your local DS and at least two GS’s!
I now have a new life’s ambition: after I retire as a GS, I
plan to donate enough money for Ness City First Church of the Nasterine to be
renamed John F. Tuttle Jr. Church of the Nasterine. Remember, Tuttligans: it’s
easier for a camel to fit through the eye of the needle than it is for a rich
man to enter the kingdom of God, but even narrow roads still have room for
Harleys to ride on.
Always re-Adventing myself,
Rock Doc T