(Honorary) Dr. John F. Tuttle, Jr.
District Superintendent
Far Right Oklahoma District
Church of the Nasterine
"Panhandling our hardest for
Christ."
While there have been some concerns, never fear gentle Nasterines—Dr. John F. Tuttle Jr. would never abandon you in your time of need! I’d like to share with you some of the wonderful happenings on the district, but first: a few house-keeping tidbits.
I’d like to remind Pastor Emil Hamilton of
our Lookout Church that, while I applaud your initiative and whole-heartedly
approve of your objectives, Chaplain for Converting Liberal Nasterines is not a
church-sanctioned role, and continuing to submit paperwork for this role during
our annual assembly will not increase
your ability to withdraw funds from the pension fund in the future.
For those of you
wishing to contribute funds to a worthwhile cause, we are continuing to raise money
for the founding of Berlin Church of the Nasterine on our humble district, but
communications have been spotty in town since Old Man Jenkins erected a fence
through the middle of mainstreet. Continued funds are asked in the hopes that
they might be able to build a gate through the fence or, barring that, create a
pulley system for transportation of goods.
And now, some
announcements from the wonderful churches that support our efforts for building
the kingdom in wholesome, conservative methods:
March 25th—We will be welcoming
a new church to our district, as The Independent Holiness Society of
Non-Tongues-Speaking-but-Still-Believers-in-The-Spirit’s-Power Brethren Church
in Retrop will be joining us as the new Porter Church of the Nasterine! Pastor
Sour McPuss is thrilled to be joining our glorious denomination (at least, that’s
what I’ve been told—it’s hard to tell by his face). They discussed amongst
themselves whether they wanted to be Retrop Church of the Nasterine, but despite
their town’s alarming historical trends, they decided that spelling things
backwards was just a hop, skip, and a jump away from listening to Satanic music
and spray painting pentagrams on the hood of your mom’s Volvo. Not today,
Satan.
March 30th—Our schools are going through a rather tumultuous time at this godless juncture in American history. With the shootings, the rampant pregnancy, and the music that sounds frighteningly unlike anything produced by the Gaithers or Speers, our teens need protection from others and from themselves. That’s why Freedom Church of the Nasterine is partnering with a local militia group, The Sons of the Patriotic Dawn of America’s Glorious New Conservative Future, to initiate a very exciting Guns for Teachers program! They will provide tactical training and nigh-infinite ammunition for whipping our teachers into a fearsome fighting force, and are asking for donations of weapons, high-explosives, and sack lunches. If you have a Beretta to spare, consider donating it to show that you care.
April 1st—Easter Sunday we will be welcoming a brand-new church plant to the District! Delhi Church of the Nasterine has graciously offered up 8 of their 20 members to start a new church in the old Laundromat in downtown Hext. Unfortunately, Truly and myself will not be able to attend their inaugural wild hog roast and squirrel burger fricassee, but I’ve been informed that all 17 residents of Hext are invited, even those from the six other churches in town.
March 30th—Our schools are going through a rather tumultuous time at this godless juncture in American history. With the shootings, the rampant pregnancy, and the music that sounds frighteningly unlike anything produced by the Gaithers or Speers, our teens need protection from others and from themselves. That’s why Freedom Church of the Nasterine is partnering with a local militia group, The Sons of the Patriotic Dawn of America’s Glorious New Conservative Future, to initiate a very exciting Guns for Teachers program! They will provide tactical training and nigh-infinite ammunition for whipping our teachers into a fearsome fighting force, and are asking for donations of weapons, high-explosives, and sack lunches. If you have a Beretta to spare, consider donating it to show that you care.
April 1st—Easter Sunday we will be welcoming a brand-new church plant to the District! Delhi Church of the Nasterine has graciously offered up 8 of their 20 members to start a new church in the old Laundromat in downtown Hext. Unfortunately, Truly and myself will not be able to attend their inaugural wild hog roast and squirrel burger fricassee, but I’ve been informed that all 17 residents of Hext are invited, even those from the six other churches in town.
Easter is almost upon us, district! I’m excited for what God is doing and for the future of Conservative values and God-fearing, bible-believing people of faith.
Pistols firing for the Lord,
Rock Doc T
